


arbutus

by dreamults



Series: the sun & the flowers [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3RACHA, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Child Abuse, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Hurt/Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insomnia, Kim Seungmin-centric, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, Minor Character Death, Multi, Overworking, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 07:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20373130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamults/pseuds/dreamults
Summary: they fall in love like this.





	arbutus

**Author's Note:**

> for sav.
> 
> warning: this fic deals with subjects such as child abuse, child neglect, minor character death(s), suicide, insomnia, anxiety, overwork and more. please keep this in mind as you read it.

it starts like this.

hyunjin stumbles into his room, slips off his jacket and collapses onto his bed near two a.m in the morning. from the other side of the room, he can hear the familiar thud of jinyoung falling against his bookcase and he chuckles to himself, the edges of his vision burning.

jinyoung has been his best friend since they’d met when hyunjin moved back from las vegas halfway through their first year of high school. they’d been inseparable, brothers in that way, and stuck together all throughout their adolescence until he’d moved out of seoul. because of jinyoung, hyunjin had met people like daehwi and chani and mina, had befriended people like yeji and lia, had joined a dance club and had talked to people he would have never done so beforehand.

hyunjin remembers his graduation. his siblings had been there, of course they had, but only after begging their parents to let them attend. they’d left as soon as the ceremony had ended, but hyunjin can’t blame them because, to put it bluntly, his parents hated him and really couldn’t care less about him and the path he’s chosen to take. his sisters had already gone way too far past their parent’s boundaries by even attending the ceremony after he’d been cut off so abruptly from the family so, really, he can’t complain much. he appreciates it. jinyoung, yeji, chani and lia had been there. mina had been there too, as well as yugyeom and bambam. the elder members of the conjoined high school-university dance club that hyunjin had joined at his old school but left when his parents transferred him, again, halfway across the country, had come to congratulate him and, in that moment, hyunjin had promised to re-join after getting settled into university.

despite his constant love and appreciation for his friends, silently, he curses himself for letting jinyoung and daehwi drag him out on the day before classes officially start. he’s never been good at waking up early and especially finds it troubling if he goes to bed after midnight. he’s going to be exhausted and cranky all day but finds that he doesn’t care all too much when he thinks of flushed cheeks and glistening eyes.

j.one. that had been his name- or, at least, the name he goes by. hyunjin, very vaguely, thinks he’s never heard a voice so beautiful in his life before, nor had he seen a face so soft or a body so fluid. a dancer he may be, but the rapper he’d seen on stage that night had moved in a way hyunjin had never seen before- dancer or not. hyunjin finds it slightly attractive, and his heart beats fast at the thought of it.

hyunjin lifts his head, resting his chin on the pillow wrapped tightly under his arms. he can feel his cheeks flush a dusty pink and he closes his eyes, for a second, and listens to the sound of jinyoung shuffling around the dark room. the sound, rather than being annoying or irritating, gently lulls him to sleep, much like the voice of a boy that seems all too familiar and yet almost like a stranger.

seungmin wakes up to the sound of his elder brother knocking his fist against his bedroom door. wonpil, despite his apparently busy schedule, is home for a few months, basking in the rest and relaxation his job has granted him. he couldn’t have come at a better time, really, because seungmin is starting classes at university and he can’t always be home to accompany his mother in the aid of his ailing grandmother.

“seung!” wonpil’s voice is clear, as if it isn’t closer to six in the morning than it is to seven. “you’re gonna be late!”

seungmin coughs and pulls his face out of his pillow. he’d accidentally stayed out too late with jeongin after his shift at the café last night and the pair had ended up at the underground club they knew jae worked at. the elder had called them over because it was a quieter night than normal, telling them that he wanted to spend time with them before classes began so seungmin can’t find it in himself to regret it.

“i’m up!” seungmin groans at how scratchy his voice feels against his throat, reaching over to take a sip from the glass of water next to his bed. his phone buzzes and he watches as both jae’s and jeongin’s names pop up on the bright screen, wishing him luck for his first day and telling him to make friends. seungmin rolls his eyes at some of the more playful comments that appear on his screen and responds quickly, rising from his bed and getting ready for the day.

his brother is stood against the kitchen doorframe when he finds himself running down the stairs, backpack slung haphazardly on his left shoulder and phone under his chin. wonpil snorts at him, ruffling his hair slightly and pinching his cheeks. seungmin groans at the affection, lightly slapping the hand away. it’s been almost seven years since wonpil has been home so seungmin still finds it slightly weird when the elder initiates things like hugs and cheek kisses. but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like it- he’s missed his brother more than words can imagine and living without him has been tough, especially since their grandmother’s health had only deteriorated since he’d left to make money in order to support them.

“good luck, bud,” wonpil smiles, pushing a slice of toast into the younger’s mouth, “call if you need anything.”

“i won’t,” seungmin teases, lips curling upwards as he bites into the bread. he ignores wonpil’s whine as he spins around to slip his shoes on, adjusting the shoulder strap and tucking his phone into his back pocket, slipping his earphones on and waving goodbye to his mother, who is sat watching them from her place in the living room.

as soon as he’s out of the house, seungmin sighs and adjusts his backpack, mind wondering through his schedule for today. he has a shift at the café later in the afternoon and he has to pick up his grandmother’s medication from the pharmacy on the other side of town because wonpil is taking their mother to another job interview.

he sighs again.

it’s cold out.

felix yawns as he lays his head against the desk in front of him. in the seat beside him, he can hear yeji snort, lightly smacking the top of his head in a way of scolding him for staying up all night again. felix groans, opening his eyes and resting his chin on top of his folded arms. he listens as the class starts filing in, choosing to ignore the chatter of new people as he pushes his earphones into his ears. he smiles slightly when the first verse of 3racha’s for you replaces the buzzing of early morning conversation.

“night out again, really?” yeji’s voice is loud in his right ear and he perks up slightly, nodding good morning at eric, who takes a seat in front of them and promptly collapses on top of his desk.

felix groans again, pulling his earphones out and pouting as the song gets cut off. last night, minho had dragged him out in the dead of the night to an underground club he’d never even heard of before. when he and his family had moved from australia to seoul three years prior in order to appease his father’s job, felix had promised his parents that he would never distract himself from his education by going out and sneaking into clubs and staying out all night.

but then, he’d met minho on his first day of school in seoul. he was awkward and quiet and didn’t quite fit in with his same-aged friends due to the language barrier so felix had kept to himself, scared of intruding on friendships that had already been established. minho had been one of the upperclassmen that he had met when he tried out for the dance club. the elder was in his last year of high school at the time, so it was hard to meet if it wasn’t dance related but the elder constantly made an effort to make sure felix wasn’t alone, constantly pushing him to hang out with them when the dance crew went out.

“can’t help it,” felix mutters, “minho-hyung said he’d buy me coffee all week.”

yeji rolls her eyes and looks as if she’s about to say something but is interrupted by the professor entering the room. she glances at the two boys slumped across their desks and sighs, leaning back against her chair. felix winces- he knows that look. she’ll deal with them later.

felix focuses his gaze forward, watching tiredly as the professor begins with the lecture. he writes with a limp hand and doesn’t focus as much as he’d like to but yeji promises to share her notes later on when the dance crew meet up at the local café. he grins at her in thanks and laughs when eric pokes her, begging to do the same for him. she ignores him.

felix couldn’t have asked for better friends.

jisung bursts out in laughter, clutching his phone tightly to his chest. jae had sent him a picture of himself watching their performance last night, unfocused and unclear and yet jisung can still make out the sleeping figures sprawled out on the bar counter. changbin tuts, moving closer from across the studio on his rolling chair. he throws his notebook at the younger and smirks at the whine that escapes his lips. his mind goes to scolding the younger for getting so distracted when they’re supposed to be working on lyrics but his eyes catch the slight bruise that travels up jisung’s arm and he retracts his complaints, tutting again and turning his attention back to his laptop.

jisung glances up from his phone and clutches the notebook, spinning around and leaning against the desk. he surveys the words on the opened page, humming as he taps his pencil against the wooden table. they’re supposed to working on songs for their next mixtape, as well as songs for their music composition project. as the main songwriter, jisung feels himself trace the letters of every word, trying to come up with new ideas.

he thinks for a moment. maybe he’ll write about what he’s been experiencing at home, because maybe it could help them reach out to others who have been stuck in the same ordeal. they’d done that before- with 42, domestic banana, with all their songs. it wouldn’t hurt to get a little more personal. but the idea is cut short at the thought of what may happen if anyone were to find out they were 3racha- _he_ was 3racha. his father would never forgive him.

he leans backwards, aggravating the fresh scars that paint his backside. he doesn’t groan or moan or wince- maybe he’s used to it by now. his leg dangles from the chair and he spins, turning to face changbin as the elder takes a sip from his coffee. the elder rapper looks at him disapprovingly, fixing the cap on top of his head and motions pointedly at the notebook. they have a deadline.

jisung jumps up when he hears the door open loudly. he turns his head slightly, watching as chan shuffles into the room. he’s biting his lip nervously, eyes travelling to jisung’s small frame. the younger sits up slightly and watches as changbin rises to his feet. chan’s eyebrows are furrowed and his eyes start darting around the room, uneasily averting jisung’s own. he reaches his hand out and places a ringing phone down onto the table. a pit of anxiety wells up in jisung’s stomach and he, absentmindedly, rubs the discolouration on his neck.

he breathes in. out. in.

it hurts.

seungmin and hyunjin meet like this: hyunjin is running. he’s late for his first practical english lecture and he’s sure mina will scold him for it later. his bag is dangling half open from his shoulder and his shoelaces are untied, phone tucked messily into his back pocket and hands running through his messy bed hair. he turns the corner and halts in his tracks when his body comes in contact with a slightly smaller figure, who grips the wall so tightly that his knuckles turn white.

hyunjin breathes out heavily, hands going to his knees as he bows his head forward. the smaller boy chuckles slightly and hyunjin feels his cheeks dust pink. when he looks up, he’s met with doe eyes and a smile so soft he almost swoons. hyunjin feels the blood rush to his head as his body straightens, a nervous smile gracing his lips as he apologises. the brunette only shakes his head, telling him to be careful and handing him the pencil case that had dropped from his bag.

“i’m seungmin,” the pretty boy smiles, reaching his hand out, “studying primary education.” his hand is soft when hyunjin takes it to shake, and he can’t help but notice the slight coffee scent seungmin carries with him.

“hyunjin,” he replies, trying to ignore the way his voice pitches itself higher, “practical english.” it falls from his lips shakily and he swears his heart almost skips a beat at the way seungmin’s smile widens. vaguely, he’s reminded of j.one, reminded of eyes crinkling and turning into crescent moons under dim lights.

they’re heading in the same direction, hyunjin notes as they both start walking down the corridors. seungmin pulls his earphones out of his ears by the wire, pausing the song playing on his phone. for a split second, hyunjin’s eyes travel to the screen and he almost jumps up when he sees 3racha’s latest mixtape.

“they help me a lot,” seungmin’s voice is soft. he doesn’t say much more than that and hyunjin doesn’t push, humming instead as he fixes the back of his shoes. he watches seungmin- the way his hair falls slightly over his eyes, brushing his eyelids. he watches the way his lips move as he talks, the way his cheeks squish upwards.

when they split up later on, they exchange numbers and make their way to their respective lectures. hyunjin is almost five minutes late and he can feel chani’s questioning stare as he quietly makes his way down the stairs and onto the empty desk next the slightly elder boy. on the other side of him, jinyoung smirks but hyunjin ignores the slight teases in favour of focusing on the professor at the front of the room.

his heart feels warm.

later that day, seungmin is sat at the register of the small café only a few minutes away from campus. he’s worked here ever since his grandmother got sick because the salary is good and his manager is quite flexible with his shifts. not to mention he’s never alone, because jeongin is always the one he shares shifts with.

it’s quiet today, which isn’t unusual because the academic year has started and their main demographic are students with extended timetables. beside him, jeongin is leaning over the counter, doing his maths homework. seungmin almost feels woozy at the sight of the equations that litter the sheet.

they only have three customers right now. there’s a pair of boys sitting close to the windows, huddled around a laptop as their arms move slightly in what seungmin can only assume is a way of re-enacting a dance. he, very vaguely, recognises them as lee felix and lee minho, both also past alumni of the nearby high school. in the corner of the café sits another boy. his head is bowed, the bottom half of his face is covered by a black mask and he’s picking at the chocolate cake sitting on the table in front of him. there had been two boys accompanying him beforehand but, by the looks of the empty chairs and clear plates, he can only guess that they’d already left. his eyes wonder back to the boy and he watches as he leans back against the seat, looking up at the ceiling. a bruise decorates the skin of his neck and, suddenly, seungmin feels like he’s invading the boy’s privacy so he looks away and focuses on making the counter presentable.

the bell of the front door chimes and seungmin straightens, nudging jeongin as the younger puts his homework away. a loud, boisterous group enters, laughing loudly and seungmin almost groans out loud until he sees a familiar black-haired beauty step out from the middle of the small crowd of people. he feels his neck flush and he smiles nervously.

he’d bumped into hyunjin earlier in the morning, on his way to class. he wasn’t planning on talking to the taller boy for long, too afraid of embarrassing himself but hyunjin had been so kind, so patient and seungmin couldn’t help but feel enamoured by the elder boy. hyunjin smiles from where he’s stood next to girl that vaguely looks like him, waving excitedly and leaping forward.

“seungmin!” hyunjin sings. his voice is soft, even if it rings in the younger’s ear and pierces through the peaceful ambience of the small café. seungmin can’t help the way his smile widens.

“hi, hyunjin,” he greets, discreetly kicking jeongin’s leg when he can feel the younger smirk at him. he’s pretty sure his face is a light shade of pink but he can’t help it- hyunjin is pretty. he’s attractive, extremely attractive, and his kind aura doesn’t quite help. “what would you like?”

hyunjin hums, orders a couple of drinks and desserts for the people he’d come in with and takes a seat at the counter. seungmin is vaguely aware of the rest of the group looking their way, taking a seat next to the two boys that had come in much earlier. they pull tables together, with permission and help from jeongin, and gather around the pair next to the windows. the younger of the two greets them happily and pulls the headphones down to his neck.

“you guys having a meeting or something?” seungmin questions as he prepares the large order.

hyunjin hums again. he does that a lot, seungmin notes. “dance club meeting. we’re trying to work out what songs to choreograph for a showcase.” his fingers dance along the marble counter and seungmin imagines bodies gracing dance studios and trainers squeaking against hardwood floors.

“you’re a dancer?”

hyunjin clicks his tongue, grabbing a tray to carry the food and drinks on. “not really. i mean, i used to dance but i had to stop in high school but i’ve decided to try and get into it again.”

seungmin nods, doesn’t question. he watches as hyunjin motions for one of the taller boys over to help before the elder boy turns to him again, smiling widely. his eyes turn into crescent moons and his nose wrinkles slightly. he feels his cheeks heat up slightly.

“thank you, seungmin. i hope we can talk more soon.” he taps his fingers against seungmin’s knuckles soothingly and the younger has to stop himself from falling. god, he’s so pretty- he thinks. from the corner of his eye, jeongin winks. he kicks him again- hard.

jisung should’ve known. his father hadn’t called in almost a week- he let his guard down and allowed himself to bask in the peace and calm that had slowly filtered into his life. the still-bright bruises and the fresh scars should’ve been a reminder of all his life has been- all his life will ever be.

after the phone call, he’d gone home- stupidly. he’d gone back to a place he isn’t even wanted, stood in the presence of a man that blamed him for everything that had gone wrong in his life. but it was his family- the people that had cared for him, supported him. he can’t say no- won’t. no matter how much chan or changbin, or even jae, fight or argue with him about his home situation, he can’t leave home. not when he owes his parents so much.

jisung sighs, playing with the dessert fork in his hand. he doesn’t have any more lectures today and the studio was suffocating him so he’d dragged chan and changbin to the cute café outside of campus. before they’d left to attend their own lectures, jisung had promised to stay at their dorm for the night. he’d agreed, of course, in order to appease their growing worry and not wanting to cause them the pain of not knowing if he’d ever attend classes again.

but jisung has a deep heart. he wears it on his sleeve and loves without thinking of the consequences. he still loves his father, no matter how many times the old man paints his skin in dark colours. he still loves his mother, no matter how many times she turns her back to his pain. he still loves them. at least, he thinks he does.

jisung sighs again, putting the fork down onto the plate. the slice of chocolate cake chan had bought him lies untouched on the table. he doesn’t have an appetite- he never does anymore but he’s too scared to tell anyone that. much less jae, the sweet, sweet, night bartender, who already hugs him close every time they meet in fear that he’ll disappear.

on the table, jisung’s phone rings. it startles him and cuts through the noise coming from the group of dancers sitting on the other side of the café. even the two employees look up from their conversation. he flushes and answers, pressing the phone to his ear and listens to the on-slaughter of abuse his father hurls through the phone.

the conversation around him picks up again but he can still feel three pairs of eyes on him. he looks down and bites his lip when he notices that his bruised arm is showing, pushing his sleeve down and hurriedly standing. his father’s voice is loud, even without the speaker on and volume turned low, and he’s pretty sure everyone can hear.

he’s embarrassed. the drunken slurs fill his ears and he throws his backpack against his shoulder. he adjusts his mask as he carries his tray back to the counter. the pretty boy next to the register smiles at him as he apologises for not finishing the treat. he doesn’t wait for a reply, instead just bowing his head and turning towards the door.

he’d promised chan he wouldn’t go back- but his father is threatening him. he can’t help it.

he’s going home.

“guys, this is hyunjin.” felix looks up from his drink, watching as yeji tiptoes and drapes an arm around the newcomer’s shoulders. he’s tall, taller than minho, and quite pretty. his black hair parts in the middle and falls over his eyes and his circular glasses frame his almond-coloured eyes. “he used to be a member before he moved. yes, he’s re-joining. no, we’re not related.” felix hadn’t even asked.

he greets the taller boy with a smile, notices the pink tinge in his cheeks but doesn’t say much of it. beside him, eric high-fives hyunjin as a greeting and motions for them all to take a seat, rambling introductions as minho pauses the dance practice they’d been watching.

conversation picks up as soon as the introductions are done. they end up picking a random pop song felix doesn’t know the name of and minho gets to work on scheduling the dance studio and times. eric successfully steals yeji’s lecture notes as soon as felix is done copying them and it takes both chaeryeong and ryujin, two of the younger members still in their last year of high school, to hold her back. hyunjin sits next to felix, knees touching and hands constantly grazing each other’s. on the other side of the table, daehwi grins knowingly and jeno leans against jaemin’s shoulder with a gaze looking pointedly at felix and hyunjin.

he ignores it.

they’re talking about their shared interest in music when the ringing of a phone pulls them out of their conversation. yeji jumps out of her chair slightly, covering her face embarrassingly as all conversation is brought to a halt. all eyes turn to the boy sitting on the other side of the café.

the blonde picks up his phone hurriedly, fingers fumbling with the device. from the corner of his eye, felix can see the two employees look up from their own conversation too. his eyes wonder back to the blonde and watches as he winces when he presses the phone to his ear. from afar, even felix can hear the low rumble of a voice escaping the phone.

on the other side of the table, jaemin mutters that it’s rude to listen in on other people’s conversation and the chatter begins again, albeit hesitantly. minho starts talking about different showcases they should perform at and chaeryeong pitches in every now and then about their high school schedule. felix tries to focus but hyunjin nudges him slightly and his gaze is back on the boy on the other side.

“do you see that?” hyunjin whispers in his ear, breath hot and light against his skin. felix scans the masked boy and, when he can’t see anything, hyunjin taps his own arm lightly. he looks closer and almost feels invasive, but then he sees the dark rings of purple and green that decorate the tan skin and he has to hold back a gasp. “there’s one on his neck too.”

the boy flinches when he notices they’re watching, pulling the sleeve of his hoodie down his arm. his cheeks flush pink and he hurriedly moves to bring the tray of plates and cups back to the counter. seungmin, the employee manning the register, he recognises from a few classes in high school they’d shared, takes it with a smile but felix can see the questioning worry in his eyes. the small figure leaves in a hurry, running past them in his haste. his phone screams out to him and felix can pick up on swears escaping the receiver before the door slams shut.

“it’s not our business.” felix says when hyunjin turns to look at him. his voice is shaky. “we can’t pry.”

hyunjin pouts slightly and turns his attention to seungmin, who looks back at him with a look of concern. the door opens again and felix looks up, in the hopes that the obviously hurt boy had returned but his hope diminishes when a group of upperclassmen stagger into the café.

felix sighs. it’s cold.

seungmin meets jisung half an hour before his shift ends. it’s been two weeks since university began and he’d gotten closer to hyunjin significantly, even going as far as making him befriend jeongin so the younger had a tall, handsome elder to protect him when he started university in the new year. hyunjin had invited him to hang out with felix and minho- only the two of them because seungmin had already expressed his anxiety and fear of meeting new people- at the underground club jae works at so seungmin had asked for a slightly early shift. jeongin had promised to be there too- as moral support.

the bell rings and resounds through the empty café. seungmin turns from where he’s washing up the last tray of tea cups and he wants to be mad, he really does, but the boy that limps in looks as if he’s about to collapse so seungmin hurriedly pulls a chair out. he cleans his hands on his apron, takes the first aid kit out from under the counter, and gently pushes the boy down onto the chair.

“hey,” he tries to make his voice as soft as possible, “are you okay?”

the boy tries to stand but seungmin pushes him down gently. “what happened?” he’s not usually one to push but seungmin remembers this boy as the one he’d seen two weeks ago- the one who’d left in a hurry with bruises decorating his neck and arm. they seem to have healed for now, he notes.

the blonde smiles widely but it looks almost forced. “i tripped on the way here,” his grin is sheepish, “and i think i twisted my ankle on the way down.” seungmin stares into his face deeply- he’s always been good at telling if people are lying. but, as he stares at the chocolate-coloured eyes, the soft purple discolouration surrounding his temple, the unnoticeable acne scars, the way his lips are pursed up cutely, the only conclusion he can come to is that, _wow_, this boy is pretty.

seungmin sighs, almost resigned and kneels. he unties the blonde’s shoelaces and carefully slips the socked foot out of the shoe. the boy winces slightly but doesn’t complain any further. “i didn’t catch your name.” seungmin says, examining the slight bruising on the skin and wrapping the foot up tightly with the bandages. “i’m seungmin. september twenty-second. i do primary education.”

“jisung.” the boy smiles and seungmin almost has to stop his jaw from dropping. jisung’s smile is heart-shaped and one of the prettiest he’s ever seen. “september fourteenth. i do music composition.”

“well, jisung, how clumsy are you? you had pretty bad bruises last time i saw you.” seungmin doesn’t mean for it to come out so bluntly. it’s been a trait he’s hated since he was a child, having lost countless friends for his straightforward comments. he almost feels his heart drop when jisung’s shoulder tenses and his lips waver but then the slightly-elder boy laughs loudly.

“i’m really clumsy,” he hums slightly and seungmin is reminded of hyunjin, who he’d promised to meet in half an hour, “my hyung’s- not real ones, honorary- don’t trust me out on my own because i always end up hurting myself in some way or another. i tell them i’m a grown up that doesn’t need adult supervision but they don’t believe me.”

seungmin snorts as he brushes his lap and stands. he picks up the first aid kit and returns it to its place before taking his apron off and hanging it up. “did you want anything, jisung? i’m about to close for the day but i can make it quick.”

jisung looks troubled, pushing himself up and almost falling over. seungmin is quick to reach out to the significantly smaller boy, wrapping his arm around his tiny waist. he’s skinnier than he should be, he notices but doesn’t comment. “no- no, it’s fine. i was just on my way to meet my hyungs at the underground club around the corner when i tripped outside.”

seungmin smiles, wrapping jisung’s arm around his shoulders and helping him steady himself. “clubbing on a school night?” jisung flushes and seungmin laughs. “don’t worry, i’m on my way there too.” he helps jisung as they leave the small café, switching the lights off and locking the door.

“clubbing on a school night?” jisung’s tone is mocking as they make their way out onto the streets. seungmin rolls his eyes and patiently waits as jisung hops along the pavement. his phone buzzes, a text from hyunjin, and he replies quickly.

“first of all, it’s four in the afternoon. second, the bartender won’t let me drink on school nights so it’s not exactly clubbing,” seungmin snorts, tucking his hair behind his ear. every time he’s gone to the club, jae has refused to serve him anything that wasn’t water and food unless it was a weekend or holiday.

“jae-hyung never lets me drink, no matter what day.” jisung’s pouting slightly, oblivious to the way seungmin almost stops entirely in his tracks. the younger boy falters slightly and he stares down at jisung’s pouting face.

“you know jae-hyung?”

jisung turns his head slightly, seungmin’s hair tickling his nose slightly. he smiles slightly, nodding. “known him all my life. he was my older brother’s best friend. he’s practically my dad at this point. always feeds me, tries to regulate my sleep schedule and makes sure i remember to take my meds and all that.” seungmin snorts at this because, though it might not seem like it, it sounds exactly like jae. from what he can remember, his first impression of jae had been something along the lines of him being the greatest male parental figure in his life, bar his elder brother. “i’m pretty sure he only does it because i helped him get a boyfriend.”

seungmin chokes and almost trips with jisung in his arms. jae had never really mentioned his dating life. from what seungmin could tell, jae was very secretive about it, never dated in public and only talked to him and jeongin about a select few of his dates. though, now that he thinks of it, seungmin was never really close to the elder. they were friends, they had each other’s numbers, they went out together, but only because of mutual friends. seungmin coughs and tightens his grip around jisung’s waist. “i’m sure he does it because he cares about you a lot. and- i never knew he had a boyfriend.”

jisung hums, leaning his weight on his uninjured leg so he’s not too much of a burden on seungmin’s shoulders. “they met a few years back. it was this whole thing- i’m sure he’ll tell you soon.” seungmin isn’t able to ask much more before they find themselves at the entrance of the club. it’s empty, of course, because it’s still early in the afternoon and most people are still in lectures or are at work. “i completely forgot about the staircase,” jisung curses, “sorry about this, seungmin.”

they get down the stairs with very little trouble. despite seungmin’s arguments about how jisung isn’t even that heavy, the slightly elder boy constantly puts pressure on his twisted ankle in fear of leaning too much into seungmin’s own figure and accidentally pushing each other down the stair.

they’re arguing when they enter the brightly-lit, almost-empty room. the pair fail to notice the boys already seated around the room when they stumble in, seungmin’s arm wrapped even more tightly around jisung’s waist and the latter’s arm wrapped around the former’s shoulders. seungmin finds himself scolding the elder for not accepting help from others, despite only knowing him for less than half an hour, and telling him that he’s not a burden or a problem. in return, jisung whines like a kid, pouts childishly and hums absentmindedly at his claims. seungmin rolls his eyes- he knows he’s not being listened to.

“jisung!” they both jump when a loud voice echoes through the room, scaring everyone into standing. beside him, seungmin hears jisung laugh nervously and they both turn to face a slightly elder boy standing with jae behind the bar. his hair is black and curled, eyes wide as he starts making his way over to the pair. “what happened?”

“chan-hyung,” jisung breathes and hops his way over, allowing the elder boy to take his face into his hands, “i tripped on the pavement on my way over. seungmin helped wrap me up.” chan, seungmin assumes, stares into his eyes for a second and jisung stares back, but seungmin can’t really see the conversation they’re having with their eyes because jisung has his back turned to him. “i’m fine, hyung, promise.”

chan seems to relax at that, shooting a warm smile to seungmin as a thanks. another elder man, much shorter, approaches not even a second later. his hands are stuffed in his pockets and his face seems unbothered but seungmin can feel the worry that radiates from his body. vaguely, he recognises them both as the two men that had been with jisung at the café two weeks ago. behind him, seungmin spots hyunjin and the two other dancers- minho and felix.

the shorter male in front of him looks jisung over, as if surveying his skin for any injuries. when he sees nothing, he nods slightly and his piercing gaze meets seungmin’s own soft one. he stares, almost glaringly, for a few moments before the corner of his lips turn upwards slightly. “i’m changbin,” his voice is unusually soft, a sharp contrast to the aura surrounding him, “thank you for bringing him here. he’s a bit of a handful.”

jisung whines in the curly-haired boy’s arms and seungmin is quick to wave his hands in denial, cheeks and neck flushing. changbin rolls his eyes at the whines but his hand goes up to run through jisung’s blonde locks. seungmin smiles at the fairly domestic scene. chan, as jisung had called him, stands with jisung pressed to his chest. he’s not that much taller than the blonde so jisung has to crouch slightly and it looks quite uncomfortable but they make no move to push away from each other. changbin stands next to them, hand brushing jisung’s hair around his face. he looks at the injured boy with a look of adoration mixed with concern. they look like a family, seungmin notes.

“ah, seungmin,” jae walks over happily, “what brings you here with this little troublemaker?”

seungmin laughs, motioning to the three boys huddled in the corner. they seem afraid of the four much more intimidating figures wearing all black but they hide it well, seungmin thinks. “just meeting some friends- jeongin will be here soon.”

jae nods and turns his head at the same time chan and changbin do. hyunjin and his two friends tense ever so slightly when they see the eyes on them but jae smiles at them with one of his warmest and most welcoming ones. he bows his head slightly towards them and laughs when they do the same with their entire bodies. “hello,” he greets, “i’m jae. the toublemaker’s self-proclaimed dad.” he ignores the huff he gets from jisung in return and nods his head towards the curly-haired figure.

“i’m chan, fourth year,” the smaller figure turns his body, jisung still attached to his chest, “this is changbin and jisung- second and first year. we all do music composition.” seungmin should’ve guessed, really, because, now that he thinks of it, this may be the famous campus trio known for creating and producing beautiful, meaningful pieces for their projects that somehow circulate the school. they’re like the campus version of 3racha, he muses.

hyunjin moves first, face flushed when he realises how tense he seems. he bows again, glasses falling further down the bridge of his nose. “hyunjin,” he introduces and it’s clear he knows who these three are already, “first year studying practical english.”

chan laughs again and, slowly, the tension filters out of the room. the brunette shuffles forward and bows his head slightly. “felix, first year of international studies.” seungmin can sense a trace of his accent when he says his name but, before he can ask, chan is already questioning him about it. “yeah, i was born and raised in australia.” at this, chan high-fives him, smile gleaming, and responds that he, too, is australian.

the last dancer steps forward after them, brushing his bangs with a light touch. “minho,” he introduces, “i’m in my third year and i do liberal arts.” his eyes are calm, relaxed, and seungmin feels like he’ll be able to connect with him the most, if ever.

“ah,” changbin clicks his fingers, body straightening, “i know you! you’re all part of the dance club that meets next to the recording studios. yugyeom-hyung and bambam-hyung come and bother us whenever they have free time after practice.”

at the mention of, seemingly, elder members, minho perks up. jisung does the same, detaching himself from chan and leaning back on his heels- god, he’s cute. “i remember bambam-hyung! he used to buy me choco pie every time he came to the studio.”

“aren’t you a first year?” minho questions and seungmin can see them all tense. he, felix and hyunjin stare on questioningly as jisung fidgets where he stands. “didn’t bambam-hyung go back to thailand on exchange last year?” now that he thinks about it, seungmin himself wonders how jisung is so well-known around the school already as part of a university trio when he’s only been taking classes here for a few week.

“oh,” jisung’s voice is light, “since i didn’t go to this university’s high school, chan-hyung used to sneak me into the studios because i wanted to see how they worked before i was admitted. when the school found out he’d been sneaking me in, they granted me early admittance and entry because of…” he thinks, “personal reasons.”

minho nods and chan visibly deflates. jae breathes out slowly and seungmin sends him a look, which he waves away in favour of welcoming jeongin into the room when the high schooler arrives not even a moment later. the younger blushes lightly as he becomes the centre of attention, braced smile showing nervously. everyone introduces themselves again for the youngest and he rubs his elbow slightly, introducing himself and informing them that he’s planning on attending the university in the upcoming year to study media alongside fine arts. seungmin snorts at how awkward he both looks and sounds and promptly gets kicked in the shin. the room bursts into laughter and seungmin feels the stress and fear dissipate- maybe meeting new people isn’t so bad after all.

hyunjin is just about ready to bang his head against the wall repeatedly. never in his life would he have thought he’d be in the same room as three of the most beautiful people in existence. in all honesty, everyone here is extremely attractive- they all look just about ready to run down a fashion runway. he figures that minho has always been that way- from what he can remember, minho was quite a celebrity high school for, not only being a dancer, but also being extremely stunning. on the other side of the table, he catches sight of the two boys that had coddled jisung earlier. chan and changbin are both well-built, from what he can see, faces contorted into looks of utmost care and concern for the boy sitting at the counter with a bandage wrapped around his foot. next to seungmin, jeongin sits with his eyes wide, they’re large and brown and the smile he wears lifts the apples of his cheek so his face is contorted cutely. they’re all extremely pretty- but there’s something different about jisung, felix and seungmin. there’s something in the way they laugh and talk that makes hyunjin fall just a little more in love with them.

beside him, hyunjin watches as jisung’s head falls back against the back of the couch. he’s laughing at something felix has said, tears brimming in the corner of his eyes. his laugh is melodic, hyunjin notes, and felix’s is even more so. seungmin snorts disapprovingly but his cheeks are pink and a smile decorates his face. they’re really pretty- but hyunjin doesn’t think it’s possible to like three people so deeply and so willingly.

“my new best friend!” felix is pressed tightly against jisung, both of their cheeks squished together. it emphasises felix’s freckles and jisung’s puffed cheeks and hyunjin swears he can hear seungmin’s breath falter. “my twin!”

hyunjin chuckles, leaning back against seungmin slightly. the younger boy welcomes him into his lap gladly and the dancer rests his head on his stomach. “twin?” jisung jumps up slightly from where he’s sat stretched over felix’s lap, pinching his cheeks before turning to the rest of his new same-aged friends.

“we were only born a day apart, jinnie!” hyunjin’s heart stutters. “we’re technically twins.”

hyunjin lets out a laugh, “i don’t think that’s how it works, jisung.” he feels fingertips dance along his hairline and tilts his head up slightly to see seungmin chuckling quietly. he presses his hand to his chest, trying to supress the way his heart beats rapidly against his chest. no- they’ve only known each other for two weeks, this can’t happen.

“it is!” jisung is adamant, eyebrows furrowed. “korea and australia are an hour apart- who knows, maybe we were born in the same day but timezones made it so our birthdays are on different days!” he’s awfully proud of his revolution so hyunjin shakes his head slightly in acknowledgement.

it’s silent for a few moments, the only sound being the slow rumble of chan and changbin’s conversation about something hyunjin isn’t paying attention to. he watches as jisung relaxes back into felix’s hold, sipping from the bottle of water jae had handed him as soon as they’d settled. his eyes shift slightly, catching changbin’s distracted own and he smirks. hyunjin feels seungmin lean forward slightly when jisung motions for them to and he does the same, watching as jisung comically cups his hands around his lips and whispers loudly, “hey, i’ve been meaning to ask this to someone since like my second year of high school but don’t you think changbin-hyung looks like the captain hook in shrek?”

hyunjin bites his lip to stop a laugh escaping and seungmin, obviously not expecting it, stares at him nonchalantly. he twirls a lock of hyunjin’s black hair around his finger before faux-whispering back across the table. “jisung, how could you say that when lord farquaad is right there?”

the table bursts out into laughter and hyunjin has to clutch his stomach to keep the tears at bay. he watches through watery eyes as changbin jumps forward, only held back last minute by chan. his face is bright red and his chin is clenched. from next to seungmin, jeongin slaps his knee repeatedly, breathing through his laughs. hyunjin surveys the mess of new friends he’s made- the way the whole club is empty but they’re all cuddled up around a small coffee table, the way they’re all there and laughing and acting as if they don’t have lectures and homework and essays to worry about. it’s warm and nice and it feels like the family he’s never had.

he likes this feeling.

jisung chokes, breathing heavily against the door. on the other side of the room, he can hear the ringing of his phone from where he’d thrown it against the wall. he was in his brother’s room when it had begun ringing and he’s sure his father had heard. he curses, running a hand through his hair as he rests his forehead against his bent knees. he knows it’s changbin calling because he’d promised to call when he’d left their dorm earlier and, sure, he loves his best friend but he wishes, just for a moment, he’d leave him alone- only for the sake of his younger sibling’s safety, as well as his own.

he surveys his room, looking for something- anything, to contact his friends with. the room is neat and tidy, as if no-one lives there. the covers of the bed are newly washed and tucked into the bedframe. the white desk beside the window is empty- no books, textbooks, diaries, notepads, stationary items, nothing. the white walls are bare, as they have always been. the 3racha pictures he once had as a gift from jae on his birthday had been torn and ripped off his walls, alongside his posters and framed family photos. he’s not allowed anything personal in his room anymore, so he keeps his most prized possessions at chan and changbin’s dorm. the very few extremely personal things he has stay under the floorboard of his brother’s bedroom because his father would never search there.

in fact, jisung isn’t even allowed in his younger sibling’s rooms. he doubts that his youngest sister even knows he exists, given that he’s not allowed in the house when they are, or in the same room as them when they’re home. he doesn’t go into the living room, ever, but he knows that he’s been ripped out of every family photo there. he doesn’t need to see it to know he doesn’t exist to them.

“han jisung!” his father’s voice is rough and loud and it pierces through jisung’s consciousness. his head hurts badly from when his father had slammed him against the wall before he went to his lectures in the morning. he hears the rumble of feet slamming against the hardwood floor of the stairs leading up to jisung’s attic room and silently curses himself for being so careless- he shouldn’t have taken the chance. he shouldn’t have thought he could get away with it. he shouldn’t have snuck into his brother’s room- he knows that, but the document he needs to be able to audition for companies with the rest of 3racha were hidden there. he didn’t have a choice; chan is graduating soon and, if they want to continue producing music with high quality equipment, they need to, at least, sign with a company. he needs those documents. he’s just glad his brother wasn’t home.

“han jisung!” his voice is deafening and jisung wonders how they haven’t gotten any noise complaints in the past eight years they’ve lived here. “how dare you,” it’s slurred, “go into your brother’s room! what were you planning on doing, huh? were you planning on killing him too, huh? just like younghyun, remember?”

his heartbeat pounds in his ears and his head feels like they’ve been filled with cotton. how dare he bring younghyun into this, he thinks, how dare he. what happened that day constantly torments him, makes him want to break himself down, to suffer. it makes him think he deserves the abuse he gets from the family that was supposed to love him. but he can’t find himself to blame them- younghyun had died that day. this was his repentance. he stumbles forward, picking up his backpack and stuffing as many clothes as he possibly can inside before opening his window and placing a foot against the windowsill. his door doesn’t have a lock so he has to be quick.

jisung glances back over his shoulder one last time.

he jumps.

felix has insomnia and high-functioning anxiety- a fact most forget. he’d been diagnosed soon after his family had moved from sydney, in a clinic where he couldn’t understand a single word anyone was saying. his doctor had referred him to a therapist for his anxiety and prescribed sleeping pills for his insomnia and, for a while, he was okay.

he sighs, staring up at the ceiling. it’s nearing three in the morning now and he still hasn’t slept. in the bed next to him, eric is snoring loudly, muttering in his sleep every once in a while. normally, with his sleeping pills, he’d be able to sleep regardless of his roommate’s sleeping habits but he’d ran out a few days ago and still had yet to collect another prescription.

“i’m so stupid,” he whispers, sitting up. his body still aches from their dance practice earlier and his head hurts. he grabs his phone from his bedside table and shoves his earphones in his ear, throwing a thin jacket around his shoulders and slipping his trainers on. he locks the dorm door quietly and makes his way through the building. he doesn’t know where he’s going but he follows the paths he comes across until he’s off campus.

he finds a park three minutes away and sits on a swing. his hands find his phone and he scrolls through his playlists. the year minho started university, felix was introduced to 3racha. their dance club had grown significantly since felix had arrived, gaining members with different dance styles and music tastes. one of the newer members at the time had arrived to practice one day with a desire to dance to one of the newest songs that had been circulating the city of seoul. felix remembers clearly his first listen to runner’s high- he’d been pleasantly surprised and felt excitement bubbling up in his stomach at the prospect of dancing to such a song. one of the voices had given him a sense of comfort and familiarity, with an accent as thick as felix’s own.

he pushes the ground lightly, shoving his phone into his jacket pocket and gripping the metal chains. he feels the wind brush his face as 3racha’s if there’s a shadow, there must be light fills his ears. he loves songs like this- songs that remind him that it’s okay to be a little broken, to be a little tired.

“felix?” in his tired, delirious state, he doesn’t quite recognize the voice calling out for him. when he looks up, he’s met with a chocolate-coloured eyes that gleam under the streetlights. it’s jisung. he has a heavy-looking backpack slung onto his shoulder and he’s walking with a little limp, even though he knows his ankle had healed a few weeks ago. “what are you doing out here this late?”

_i could ask you the same thing_, he wants to say, but, instead, he pulls his earphones out of his ear and motions for jisung to take a seat on the swing next to him. when he does, felix sighs loudly, scrubbing his face with the palm of his hand. he’s filled with an overwhelming sense of trust whenever he’s with his twin, as the other had deemed them, and he can’t help himself from unloading his problems. “i have really- really bad insomnia and anxiety and i was stupid enough to forget to pick up my new prescription so now i have no sleeping pills and no ways of going to sleep and- and i don’t want to bother eric or yeji or even minho about it again and it’s too loud in the dorms-” he’s talking fast, he knows, but he can’t stop because he hasn’t been able to talk about it for so long. he doesn’t know why, but he trusts jisung- trusts his skilful touches and amazing advice. in his presence, felix feels more comfortable talking than he ever did with his therapist- because jisung listens. he listens, doesn’t interrupt, doesn’t try to force himself to understand. he listens.

it’s only when he’s done talking that felix feels the hand running up and down his arm, from his shoulder to his elbow. even through the thin layer of his jacket, he can feel the warmth jisung exudes. it’s comforting- nice. he’s staring at him like he understands, but he doesn’t say anything and felix can’t help but feel appreciative for that. jisung doesn’t look at him with pity, either. “does music help?” jisung’s voice is soft and quiet but it doesn’t hold any of the needless sympathy many others hold for him.

felix hums, a habit he’s starting to pick up from hyunjin. “only a few artists truly help. my favourite is 3racha- i think.” he doesn’t feel jisung tense up. “their lyrics help me, a lot. they have songs about things people struggle with- things like insomnia, anxiety, depression, loneliness, growing up and more. they even have a song about global warming.” he laughs slightly. “they write about things people can relate to and understand, you know? they help.”

jisung nods, pushing his shoes into the dirt and starting to swing himself. felix watches him as he swings. his hair pushes against the wind and he closes his eyes, breathing in and out slowly. under the streetlight, felix can see the way his temple has a slight discolouration. another one. he’s been meaning to ask if anything is going on, if someone’s been bullying or hurting him, but seungmin had told them that he’d said his constant bruising is due to his clumsiness. felix doesn’t believe that one bit- because falling does not give you hand-shaped bruises around your neck. he doesn’t ask though, not yet, because it’s not his place. they’ve only known each other for a few weeks- plus, jae, chan and changbin don’t seem too worried about it. at least, not from what he can see.

“hey,” there’s a lump in his throat, “seungmin told me that you, chan-hyung and changbin-hyung make really good music. famous in the music department, i heard.” seungmin had told him that- that they were quite a well-known campus trio. for creating and producing the most meaningful and beautifully important pieces for their projects that somehow circulate the entire school without meaning to. they’re like the campus version of 3racha, he’d said.

jisung laughs. “famous?” he breathes- his cheeks are tinted rosy pink and his lips curve into a heart shape. “i don’t think so. our professor just likes to share our tracks all around the school and people somehow get a hold of and spread them to others.”

felix pushes his feet into the dirt, following jisung as he swings. he feels the wind rush through his hair and he watches as jisung breathes in once again, slowly. he takes the time to study the slightly elder boy- the way his eyes close to truly take in the late night smell of coffee from the coffee shops nearby, the way his nose scrunches cutely because it’s cold out, the way his lips open and close to the beating of his heart and rising of his chest. the way he falls in love just a little bit more. “would you recommend me any of your projects? i haven’t had the chance to check them out yet.”

jisung pauses, feet digging into the dirt. he thinks, for a moment, and opens his eyes with another smile. he drags his backpack across the dirt from where he’d put it down and unzips it, pulling out an old mp3 player. it’s small and pink and felix thinks it fits him perfectly. he brushes it with the pad of his thumb before placing it in felix’s palm. “i don’t have any of the actual projects with me but all of the demos and tracks i recorded on my own that didn’t quite fit our themes are on there. there are also some 3racha songs too, if you want to listen to them.” he stands, dusting his lap lightly and picks his bag up. “the tracks on there aren’t as good as 3racha’s but i hope they soothe you tonight.”

felix smiles up at him, pushing one of the earphones into his ear, choosing a random track and pressing play. the first few notes of the song, a poignant piano tune, erupts through the silence. it’s sweet and sentimental and jisung’s voice is honey-laced. it’s soft and sweet, powerful and clear, low and raspy. for a second, felix believes that there’s three different people singing but then he realises it’s jisung- jisung, with a large vocal range, who sings with the voice of an angel, but raps as if it’s nothing. the lyrics express a sense of isolation and hurt- pain, but it speaks of having hope and trust. he’s never heard anything quite like it, and it lingers in the air in the silences between tracks. he looks up, barely noticing the tears that have started to well up in the corner of his eyes. “how?” there’s a lump stuck in his throat, “how can you write and produce and sing and rap something so… so-” he’s at a loss for words. “beautiful?”

jisung doesn’t answer, throwing his head back in a laugh. felix pouts up at him and wipes under his eyes with the back of his hand. seeing this, jisung steps forward. he runs the pad of his thumb over the apple of felix’s cheeks, wiping away the salty burning that his tears leave. he stares, for a second, at the younger boy’s freckles and the australian hopes that he can’t see the pink tint of his glistening skin. his voice is close to a whisper when he speaks, filled with concern and care. “go back to your dorm soon, yeah? it’s cold out.”

he watches as jisung spins around, limp still evident, and disappears through the fog of the night. he stares at the mp3 player in his hand and clutches it tightly to his chest. it’s only when felix is safely back at his dorm does he realise that he never found out why jisung himself was out so late.

in the beginning of the spring term, hyunjin watches as their friendship nearly collapses. over the past few months, they’ve gotten to know each other like the back of their hands- been there for each other’s low points and high points. hyunjin likes to think it’s because they can relate to each other, because they’re same-aged friends and are at the exact same point of life. they’re all experiencing the same, and yet different, moments but they’re together throughout it all.

when wonpil returns to his own home in incheon, seungmin takes up another part-time job at the convenience store next to the club jae works at, as well as applying for more shifts at the café. he says it’s because his grandmother is in dire need of expensive medication, not to mention the rent, bills and tuition that still need to be paid. it isn’t long before dark circles start decorating the underneath of his eyes, which start looking exhausted more often than not.

at the café, seungmin starts working whenever he doesn’t have a lecture. it’s constant- his workload. he has lectures, and then shifts at the café, and when the café closes, he’ll work long hours at the store before going back home, helping take care of his grandmother and finishing any projects or essays before collapsing on his bed near three in the morning. he doesn’t allow himself to stop and breathe and it makes it hard for them to watch.

“you need to take a break for a moment, seungmin.” jisung is sat on one of the high stools in front of the counter. he, hyunjin and felix are huddled around their laptops, writing essays and completing projects for their lectures. on the other side of the café, the dance team is talking about their plans for the week. they’re all also keeping an eye on seungmin, who’s standing only a few metres away from them, fixing the displays and wiping down the glass. he looks about ready to drop, clutching his head every now and then and leaning against the table behind him. “you look like you’re going to collapse.”

seungmin ignores him- or maybe he doesn’t hear, and disappears into the kitchen. jisung sighs, leaning against felix’s shoulder. he’s wearing an eye-patch at the moment, claiming that he has a stye, but hyunjin can see a tint of purple peek out from under the white material. he chooses not to say anything, however, because he doesn’t know much about styes and medical conditions in general. “he’s overworking himself.” jisung says sadly, tapping his pen against the marble counter.

“i’m not,” seungmin’s voice is short and snappy as he walks out of the kitchen, tray of newly-washed cake plates wrapped tightly in his arms. he bends to set them down on the shelf under the counter, and, when he doesn’t rise, hyunjin hooks his foot on the metal bar of his chair and lifts himself up over the counter.

“seungmin!” he almost screams in horror, pushing his chair back and running to the other side. behind him, he can hear felix and jisung gasp before all three of them are crowded in the small space outside of the kitchen. the dance team also make their way forward but stop when minho tells them not to overcrowd the counter. seungmin is lying against the cold floor, cheek pressed to the tiles and arm bent uncomfortably under his side. he’s breathing heavily, eyes screwed shut in pain. even just hovering his hand above the younger’s forehead hyunjin can feel the heat that radiates from his fevered friend. “he’s burning up.”

jisung shuffles forward slowly, taking seungmin’s head into his lap. he doesn’t say anything, choosing to run a hand through the youngest boy’s sweaty bangs. hyunjin thinks that’s what he likes about jisung- he doesn’t antagonise people by emphasising when he’s right. instead, he helps, doesn’t tease or mock. “jinnie, can you get a cold compress or a wet towel, please?” he asks, turning seungmin over slightly so he’s more comfortable, “and ‘lix, can you call chan-hyung?”

just as he’s about to stand back up, hyunjin is stopped by a hand reaching out to him. he and felix turn to seungmin, who forces himself up before jisung can even blink. he rests his back against the counter and sighs, eyes still screwed shut. his hand is still clutching hyunjin’s own and he doesn’t let go until he’s stood back up against the cake display. “sorry,” he mutters, turning around so he can’t face them, “i’m fine- don’t call chan-hyung.”

“seungmin,” jisung breathes softly, moving to rub a hand up and down the younger’s back soothingly, “can you please just sit down for a moment? i’m not going to push you by calling chan-hyung to take you home but you need to at least take a break. please?” his eyes are swimming in concern and apprehension.

seungmin shakes his head slowly, hands clenched into fists. he’s shaking, slightly, and it’s obvious jisung can feel it because he sighs loudly, head bowed. “you’re not going to get anything done if you’re sick, ‘min. just a few moments,” he tugs at his arm a few times before resuming his soft strokes across the younger’s back, “come on, sit down.”

something erupts within seungmin at that moment, either fuelled by his fever or his annoyance at everyone’s concern. he spins around, eyes wide open but bloodshot, and stares straight into jisung’s eyes. the elder stumbles backwards into felix, shocked. hyunjin swears he can see the way his arms go up to his face, in fear. as if he’s about to be hit. “look, jisung,” seungmin’s voice is harsh and echoes throughout the empty café, “i get that you’re worried- i do. but acting like some sort of benevolent angel isn’t going to help.”

felix steps forward, in warning, and grabs seungmin’s bicep. his eyes search seungmin’s own but the younger stays unfazed. from beside him, hyunjin can feel jisung step forward too, body upright and shoulders tensed. if one were to look at only his face, it would seem that jisung was unaffected by seungmin’s comment, but his body is rigid and so much unlike the carefree boy they know.

“what makes you think you can worry about me when you so obviously have your own stuff to be preoccupied with? what makes you think you can comment on my wellbeing when you choose to ignore your own?” hyunjin watches as felix tightens his grip, another warning sign. minho, eric and yeji stand protectively to the side, ready to intervene if anything were to happen.

jisung shakes his head, unconsciously rubbing at his sleeved arm. his eyes flash with something that looks like hurt and hyunjin rubs his arm in comfort, from the top of his shoulder to his elbow. “i’m just-” his lip wavers slightly, “i don’t know what you’re talking about.” hyunjin winces and seungmin steps forward again.

“look at yourself, jisung. we’re not dumb!” there’s a hint of worry on his tongue but it’s overcome with his anger. “do you think we don’t see the bruises and scars? do you think we don’t see the way you still limp when you were supposed to recover ages ago? do you think we don’t see through your lies? someone is hurting you- and you’re avoiding it like it’s nothing! my overwork isn’t killing me, jisung, but your avoidance is!” he shouldn’t be saying this- especially in front of the dance team, most of whom are people both seungmin and jisung aren’t necessarily close with.

jisung, understanding as ever, stretches his arm out. seungmin slaps it away with a glare and he steps back, frown on his lips. “seungmin, you need to calm down.”

seungmin laughs, a horribly forced laugh that erupts from his sore throat. “calm down?” he seethes. “calm down? i’ll calm down when you stop lying and report whoever’s hurting you!” deep down, hyunjin finds it in himself to agree- he’s seen the way jisung flinches away when someone lifts their hands, seen the way his bruises disappear quickly and easily, seen the way he doesn’t whine or groan in pain whenever someone brushes against a new cut on his skin. hyunjin agrees with seungmin, but he doesn’t agree with the way this is coming into light. seungmin is fevered, ill, and he’s taking out his frustrations on jisung, of all people.

jisung takes a moment to look at seungmin, eyes wide and hurt-filled. he sighs, one last time, before spinning around, grabbing his textbooks and laptop before speed-walking out of the door. the bell rings and resounds against the walls of the café and hyunjin watches jisung’s retreating figure as he crosses the street and disappears into the traffic. the door moves to close but halts halfway through so a harsh breeze fills the room.

it’s cold again.

jisung hates fighting. more than anything, he hates when he fights with people close to him. the first time his father hurt him, he’d cried himself to sleep with his mother standing at the foot of his bed. back then, she used to care about him- used to patch up his wounds and disinfect his cuts. she used to sing him to sleep when they were sure his father had gone back to the bar, or passed out on the couch. now, she turns a blind eye to everything he experiences. he hasn’t spoken a word to her since his younger sister was born. he doubts she even acknowledges that she has three children, not two. they never fought or anything, but her ignorance hurt him more than words can explain.

“minho tells me that you and seungmin are fighting.” chan leans back in his chair, fingers dancing along the edge of his sheet music. his eyes are focused on his laptop but his attention is on the boy sitting on the studio couch, notebook on his lap and headphones pulled down to his neck.

“not fighting,” jisung answers, attention not wavering from his laptop, “just had a disagreement. it’ll blow over soon, don’t worry.” in the corner of his eye, he can see changbin shake his head slightly but the elder chooses not to say anything. he’s grateful for that; they know him well enough to stop talking when they can sense even a hint of discomfort. he pulls his headphones onto his ears and waits until he hears chan’s hum before he presses play to hear the track he’s in the middle of producing. soon.

soon ends up being a week. he and seungmin don’t see each other because their schedules start to clash. between seungmin’s two part-time jobs and jisung’s long hours in the studio and performing at jae’s underground club for a little more money, they rarely have time to meet up and sort out whatever disagreement has occurred between them.

it hurts, jisung realises, when you fight with someone close to you. hurts more because it’s someone he’s grown to love. he’s had disagreements with chan and changbin, and even jae, but it just feels different knowing that he and seungmin still aren’t on good terms, even after a week. he’s not sure if seungmin feels the same- he hopes so.

during the past week, he’s stayed at chan and changbin’s dorm. it’s nearing younghyun’s death anniversary and his home is always a lot more sombre during this time. his father’s hits get stronger and his words pierce quicker. his mother, too, doesn’t come home- instead taking her two youngest kids to a hotel or their grandmother’s house in busan.

he’s at the studio, again, when chan calls him. he’s working on songs for 3racha’s next mixtape and he needs them to be perfect because this is what decides whether or not they get into the company they need in order to continue working on songs professionally instead of just on chan’s laptop like they’d used to. he answers his phone absentmindedly, pressing it to his ear with his shoulder.

“hey, ji?” jisung hums. he can hear the sound of jae’s voice in the background and assumes they’re at the club again. “is it alright if you buy us some coffee? i promise i’ll pay you back- it’s just, changbin and i are a bit busy trying to fix the sound equipment and everything for tonight.”

jisung doesn’t have any money, though he hasn’t told anyone that. his father had stolen his card and all the cash he kept hidden in his room in order to buy more alcohol to store in the house. he doesn’t dare confront him about it, however, because he doesn’t want to be black and blue all over when the music company representatives come to watch them tonight. jisung doesn’t know how he’ll pay for the coffee but he agrees anyway, already out of the door before the call is even finished.

he sighs, running a hand through his hair. it’s still quite early in the afternoon so seungmin is guaranteed to be at the café. maybe now will be the right time to talk it out, and maybe he’ll confess. or maybe he’ll lie again, like he always does, and continue playing this little game of deception. maybe.

the bell chimes and jisung smiles when jeongin greets him. the younger boy dyed his hair a couple of days ago so now the top of his head is a dark red. jisung watches as jeongin serves the customers, plating cakes and pouring cups of coffee. he’s standing behind a lovely elderly couple, listening to one of his pre-recorded tracks, when the kitchen door slams open and a hand drags him into the back room.

when he turns, seungmin stands in front of him. he’s looking only slightly better than he did the week before, eyes not as tired as they used to be and cheeks slightly puffed out in contrast to the way they were sunken in the last time they saw each other. luckily, he doesn’t seem to be burning up from a fever or close to collapsing. his eyes avert jisung’s own and his feet shuffles against the floor. “hey, ‘min? what’s got you all worked up, hm?” he tries to sound as passive as possible, a small forced laugh escaping his lips.

seungmin’s head jerks upwards, eyes glistening with unshed tears. “why aren’t you mad?” he questions, voice watery. “why aren’t you shouting and yelling at me? why aren’t you cursing at me? why don’t you hate me?” a tear slips from where it was hanging from his eyelashes and he almost chokes on another cry, hands clenched tightly at his sides.

jisung shuffles forward slowly, cautious. “why would i hate you, seungmin?” he’s not angry at seungmin, no way. he understands that he worries people a lot, dislikes that about himself.

“i was dumb,” seungmin cries, “i was stupid. i took out all my frustration on you and said all those things without thinking- and it’s taken me a whole week to even talk to you again. how could you not hate me?”

jisung takes seungmin into his arms, pushing his head down to his chest and running his hands through his hair. seungmin is crouched awkwardly but he doesn’t make a move to stand. “i could never hate you, ‘min. i understand that you were just sick and hurt, and i know that i worry you all; even jeongin and minho-hyung ask about it sometimes. it’s just- i’m not comfortable talking about it yet. but, you shouldn’t worry; i’ve got jae-hyung and chan-hyung and changbin-hyung taking care of me. i’ve got you and hyunjin and felix to make me laugh, make me feel better. even if you don’t know it, i get strength from you all.”

seungmin sniffs, lifting his head slightly. “that’s so cringy,” he mutters with a watery laugh, “but i- i feel the same. i’m so, so- so happy that we got so close and i’m so grateful for these past few months. before you guys, i only had jae-hyung and innie- but now i have you, hyunjin, felix, minho-hyung, changbin-hyung, chan-hyung and the dance team. i’m so scared of messing this all up and i just- i can’t bear the thought of losing any of you.”

“you won’t lose any of us, seungminnie.” jisung soothes, and seungmin thinks that maybe this is why he’s in love with him. he’s forgiving and caring, loving freely and greatly. “you’ll never lose us. friends fight- best friends fight. but what makes them best friends is their ability to forgive and understand each other.” this too- the way his words flow off the tip of his tongue like honey, sweet and sticky in the sense that they stick to one’s mind.

“i’m sorry,” seungmin murmurs again, though he knows he doesn’t need to; jisung had already forgiven him long ago, “and thank you.”

jisung smiles and pulls away, handing him a handkerchief and watching as he wipes the tears away. when he’s calmed down, seungmin looks up at him and smiles. all of a sudden, jisung’s eyes widen and he grabs seungmin’s soft hands, bringing them up to his chest. “what can i do to get free coffee here?” he asks, eyes wide. he’d completely forgotten about chan, changbin and jae. seungmin laughs and rolls his eyes playfully, but he tuts and replies that he’ll make him coffees for free if he promises that they never fight like this again. jisung agrees and they head out into the front of the café, where jeongin smirks up at them.

not everything is okay yet, but they’ll work on it, like best friends do.

seungmin falls in love like this:

he’s working a shift at the café- the only one he has without jeongin because the younger’s schedule doesn’t allow it. he’s put on some random radio station because that’s all their manager has to play. the music is loud and obnoxious and rings in his sleep-deprived mind but he finds that being in the kitchen, with the microwaves and the ovens and the sharp cling of metal against metal is much worse so he forces himself to the front of the building with a forced smile on his face as he assists the customers.

it’s halfway through his shift when the bell rings and three familiar voices fill the room. the café is almost empty- only a few people remain because lunch has ended and lectures have begun again. in the corner, the art students are working on their portfolios and, beside them, the english literature students are working on their coursework. there’s a few business men and women too, but they’re sit dotted around the room. when the door slams open and the bell resounds loudly, the entire room flinches and seungmin has to stop himself from sighing loudly.

“what are you doing here?” he groans out as hyunjin, felix and jisung slide into the stools in front of the counter- their usual spot. they’re all wearing toothy grins and matching glistening eyes and seungmin _knows_ they’re up to something.

“we’re bored, seungminnie,” felix says, collapsing dramatically across the counter. he opens one of his eyes, for just a second to see if seungmin is looking, before closing it again. seungmin sighs and pushes felix into hyunjin’s lap, holding back a laugh when they both nearly topple backwards.

“go bother changbin-hyung,” he retorts, turning around and pretending to act busy with the coffee machine.

“but seungminnie,” its jisung whining this time, “we miss you.” when seungmin turns around, the older september boy is sitting with his chin resting in the palm of his hands cutely. he’s batting his eyes in the way people do when they want something and his bottom lip is jutting out in a small pout.

“well,” seungmin starts, raising his eyebrow, “what do you plan on doing here whilst i’m working?” rarely is he ever allowed an extended break, and even rarer comes a time where his friends ask for entertainment whilst he’s working. so, maybe, he can put up with it for a second.

“well, we were thinking of taking you out,” hyunjin says, “but the café is quite full and chan-hyung said we can’t really take you out of work.” he pouts and bats his eyelashes prettily, long hairs brushing against the area under his eyes and across his mole. beside him, jisung nods and runs a hand through his hair. he has a red bandana on, which he seems to have forgotten as he accidentally pushes it off his head and struggles to catch it. he pushes his hair back and adjusts the bandana with smooth movements and seungmin falls just a little at the sight. “you look bored, seungminnie.”

he watches as jisung switches the radio station off and taps at his phone insistently before a soft piano fills the room. the art students immediately sink into the tune and the english students seem happy with the change of music. some of the businesspeople even put their phones back onto the table, leaning back against their chair and just taking in their surroundings. “isn’t this beethoven?”

jisung scrunches his nose and shakes his head. “it’s moonlight sonata but anyway, hush- listen to the lyrics. here, look,” he lifts his phone and they stare back at the blank screen, “it says unregistered lyrics.”

seungmin stares blankly at his focused expression, confused and amused at his friend’s antics. hyunjin and felix stifle back a laugh when jisung scrunches his nose again, hopping off his chair with little difficulty (they don’t comment on the way he winces when his foot touches the ground) and walking to the middle of the café, spinning around in a circle before turning back to them.

“i am a tree,” he says, slapping his chest with his hand. seungmin feels his face heat up and watches as felix bursts out into laughter. “i am always in your hearts.” hyunjin clutches his side tightly and wills himself to keep a calm composure. “i am you. also,” he adds, face red, “i am a cloud.” he reaches his hand over and motions for someone to take it but hyunjin and felix are too immersed in their laughter to see so seungmin pushes them forward and they land on their knees with a small thud.

jisung hurries over to help them stand and, before seungmin knows it, they’re all dancing. he watches, face beat-red, as his three best friends grind against each other playfully. he’s embarrassed- so, incredibly embarrassed, but he also feels a tinge of jealousy because he’s always been afraid to bring attention to himself and these three always manage to do it so carelessly and quickly. it’s amusing to see. but, what’s not amusing to see is hyunjin twerking- no, he’ll never ever be able to rid his mind of that image.

sometime during the flurry of movements, felix wraps his arm around seungmin’s waist and drags him over to the other pair. the youngest refuses to join in at first but finds that he can’t really say no to freckled faces and big doe eyes. he watches as felix spins hyunjin around lightly, almost like they’re the only people in the world. he watches as jisung tips his head back in laughter, revealing his heart-shaped adam’s apple and his love-filled smile. he watches as hyunjin wraps an arm around jisung’s waist and brings them all into a hug.

here, seungmin falls in love to beethoven and unregistered lyrics and dancing in the middle of busy cafés.

felix falls in love like this:

he’s at the park- again, because he keeps forgetting to renew his prescription of sleeping pills. he’s sat on one of the higher horizontal bars that they make taller kids go on, the metal digging into his bum as he kicks his legs. it’s almost two in the morning and the cold wind of the night collides with his pyjama-clad body. he’d left his phone at the dorm in his hurry to get out of the suffocating building so he has nothing to distract himself with. at least, he thinks so- until he digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out the pretty pink mp3 player jisung had given him. he sighs in relief, carefully balancing himself on the bar, and shoves the earphones into his ears, relaxing and closing his eyes when jisung’s honeyed voice echoes quietly.

he sits there for half an hour, at least, until a hand comes in contact with his shoulder. he flinches and grabs the metal bar underneath him for support, pulling the earphones out and spinning his head around haphazardly. his heart beats quickly and blood rushes through his veins and he’s almost afraid that he’s encounterd some sort of criminal or delinquent or maybe even something worse. but then he’s met with milky-brown eyes and his whole body relaxes.

“you scared me!” he whines, jumping off the monkey bars and landing in seungmin’s awaiting arms. hyunjin laughs from above, jumping and landing in jisung’s own arms. “what are you doing out here?” it’s far too late, or early, for anyone to be awake right now, and call him a hypocrite but he suddenly feels the urge to tell them off for being out at this time, especially seungmin.

“eric called,” hyunjin answers, “said you stormed out of your dorm.” to which felix sighs, plopping himself down on the swing set and swinging his legs in the air when his feet don’t touch the ground. of course eric would call them; they were best friends. but eric saw them as something more- something intimate and, while he appreciates it and is happy that he’s not the only one who sees it, he’s also terrified of what consequences would arise from loving his three best friends in such a way.

“what’s wrong?” he doesn’t really want to answer that. sure, jisung knows, and he trusts that the slightly elder boy can keep a secret. and it’s not that he doesn’t trust hyunjin or seungmin, because he does, but there’s something about this place, this moment, that makes him not want to speak up about it. he sighs and pushes his feet into the dirt, kicking his legs upwards and beginning to swing.

“just couldn’t sleep,” is how he answers instead. he keeps his head on the ground, hands wrapped tightly around the metal chains of the swing. he feels nervous and anxiety wells up in his stomach when he hears footsteps approach him. he stops swinging when a hand lands on his back and rubs soothingly- hyunjin. another hand reaches over and taps along his arm slowly- seungmin. the final hand grabs his own and wraps tightly around them- jisung. “you should head back.” he mutters, suddenly feeling guilty for keeping them out.

“not without you,” seungmin answers, and when felix looks up, the younger is entirely serious. his face is stone-hard and his fingers dance along his arm, “never without you.” he feels jisung squeeze his hand reassuringly and hyunjin begins to massage his shoulders.

there’s a few beats of silence before a delicate hum fills the empty park. it’s velvety and supple and it helps the tension leave his body. when he looks up, seungmin’s eyes are closed and his hand is rubbing against his thigh slowly, comforting. jisung taps his knuckles to the beat of seungmin’s song and hyunjin rests his head in the junction under his neck.

here, felix falls in love to soft hums and monkey bars and swing sets.

hyunjin falls in love like this:

he’s standing in the dance studio- tapping his foot against the hardwood floor. it’s late and he’s pretty sure the rest of the visual arts department has left and closed down already. but he’d stolen the keys from yugyeom during the earlier dance practice and stayed behind when everyone left.

he just- _can’t_ get this move right. whenever he sees everyone else do it, it looks fluid and effortless, but, every time he tries, it looks stiff and unnatural. he stares at himself through the mirror and curses at the sweat that starts dripping down his neck and the exhaustion that rattles his bones. he can’t afford to not get this dance right, can’t afford to take a break. the showcase is close and he needs to be more than perfect.

he sighs and turns around. his bunches his sweatpants up his leg slightly and restarts the music. one more time, he tells himself, even though he knows it won’t be the last. he closes his eyes and allows himself to connect with the music, arms and legs moving in time with the beat. he’s alright at the start- it’s just the ending that truly gets to him. he groans in frustration when he falls back against the ground, wiping his sweat with the towel he had draped over himself.

he sighs and allows himself to fall back against the mirror, bringing his legs up to his chest and burying his face in his knees. no- he’s not going to cry. hwang hyunjin doesn’t cry; he hasn’t cried since his graduation, when he saw his sisters amongst the crowd. he’s not going to cry because of a _stupid_ dance. at least, that’s what he tells himself.

he sits there, in silence, sobs rattling his body. his clothes stick to his sweaty body when he shakes, further fuelling his frustrations. he doesn’t quite hear the sound of the door opening, nor does he hear footsteps approach him. instead, he focuses on the pulling of his heartstrings and the ache in his chest.

“hey, it’s okay,” he hears from above him and his head snaps up to face felix, “don’t cry.” the freckled boy is kneeling in front of him, holding a small washcloth in his hand. he smiles as he wipes hyunjin’s forehead with the cold cloth. from the corner of his eye, hyunjin can see jisung approaching with a few water bottles in his arms and seungmin with a bag of what he assumes are snacks. “how long have you been here, jinnie?”

hyunjin coughs into his hand and stares at the digital clock lethargically, not even surprised when he sees the a.m. in the corner of the screen. he sighs, “i never left, ‘lixie.” he feels bad for making the other three come take care of him so late, or early. jisung sits next to him, leaning against the mirror, and unscrews the cap of one of the bottles. he helps hyunjin drink from it and watches as seungmin opens one of the snacks and stuffs it into his own face.

“jinnie,” felix sighs, “practice ended five hours ago.”

“i know,” hyunjin’s very aware of the way his voice sounds distressed, “i just- i can’t get this one move right.” he clenches his fists and allows felix to help him stand. the younger boy helps him wipe the sweat from his nape before dragging him to the middle of the room. “what are you doing?”

“we’re going to make this right,” felix says, throwing his jumper off and tightening his shoelaces. he stretches his neck, curls his arms over each other and shakes his legs about in the air slightly. “because, if you’re not going to leave, then neither are we.”

hyunjin nods, feeling slightly guilty. “you’re too tense, jinnie,” felix notes, pushing at his shoulders slightly, “you need to relax.”

hyunjin tries hard to turn his body lax, rolling his neck and stretching his arms. he turns the upper half of his body slightly and almost falls forward when he catches sight of seungmin and jisung in the corner of the room. he stifles a laugh and motions for felix to look too, laughing when felix snorts. both seungmin and jisung are trying to stretch, back-to-back and arms linked together at their sides. seungmin bends over and jisung lifts his feet off the floor, balancing himself on seungmin’s back. the latter struggles for a few seconds, legs shaking, before they both collide with the floor. hyunjin lets out a roar of laughter, clutching his stomach tightly. “what are you two doing?”

“can’t you see?” jisung asks from under seungmin’s body. “we’re stretching, hyunjin.”

“are you going to dance too?” hyunjin asks, raising an eyebrow.

“what?” seungmin splutters, standing up and dusting his jeans. yeah, no- they’re not dancing. “we’re here for mutual support, _only_.” to which hyunjin rolls his eyes, watching as seungmin pulls jisung up from the floor and drags him over to the couches to sit on. they drape their jackets over their shoulders and pull their hoods up, tightening them so they wrap snuggly around their faces. they’re so weird.

felix laughs again as he moves to switch the music on, coming back with a toothy grin plastered on his face. he starts off by helping hyunjin feel comfortable and more relaxed, going through the move step by step. he doesn’t get the move right straight away, or even the few attempts after that. but, with felix’s help and seungmin and jisung’s support, he manages to get it before the clock strikes two a.m. in the morning.

here, hyunjin falls in love to music pulsing through his body and trainers squeaking against hardwood floors and stares at each other through full-length mirrors.

jisung falls in love like this:

he’s running through the campus, attempting frantically to dodge people walking. his backpack swings behind him, desperately clinging to his shoulders. in his arms, he clutches his notebooks and laptop tightly, trying to keep them from falling as he jumps over stairs and side-steps past people. he breathes heavily, bringing his phone up to look at the time. he curses and quickens his pace, ignoring the burning in his thighs and feet.

he stutters to a halt when he reaches his front door, back hunched over and hands on his knees. he looks up with furrowed eyebrows, stumbling up the stairs and to the door. he rattles the doorknob and curses when the door doesn’t open. his father normally leaves the door unlocked for him because he’s not allowed a key but, when the old man is in a bad mood, he’ll lock the door and won’t open it until the next day. this morning, during his lecture, his father had called him and said that, if he doesn’t return home within the hour, he’d lock him out for the third time that month. unluckily, his phone was switched off until lunch, almost three hours later.

he knocks insistently on the door, hoping, at least, that his mother or his brother are home. it’s unrealistic- rare that they would help him, but he tries anyway. he bangs the side of his fist against the wood until it’s almost bruised. from the corner of his eye, he sees the curtain of the living room move and he’s met with a small, young figure staring back at him through the glass. she’s the spitting image of his mother, with eyes big and brown and hair long and curly. his sister, he realises. he falls backwards slightly, nearly tripping over his own feet. he’s never, ever seen her before- at least, not since she was still a baby lying in her cot. he’s heard her voice before, though, from when she screams or sings down the hallway or in her room when he’s rushing to leave before anyone can see him. now, as he looks at his sister, he thinks that her voice matches her face perfectly.

she knocks on the glass loudly with her tiny, tiny fists and jisung winces; if their parents hear, their father will hurt him even more when he’s allowed back in the house. she smiles toothily, showing three missing teeth. “hello!” she shouts, muffled by the layered glass, “what are you doing here, mister?”

mister, jisung has to laugh. of course, she doesn’t know who he is. of course. he shakes his head slowly, spinning around on his heels and running down the stairs. he ignores the insistent knocking on the glass and runs out of the driveway. he doesn’t know where he’s going to stay the night; he knows jae is already staying the night at chan and changbin’s dorm and he doesn’t want to impose, and he knows that he can’t stay at the café because it’s not a twenty-four hour one, or the studios because chan has the keys to their usual one.

he sighs, adjusting the books and laptop in his arms, and makes his way down the busy roads back to the university campus. maybe he’ll go find hyunjin or felix in the dance studios, or maybe he’ll visit seungmin at the café- he has no idea. maybe he’ll go to the library and sit in one of the secluded areas before he and his elder hyungs meet up in the production studios later in the afternoon.

the campus is bustling with life when he reaches it, seeing as it’s lunch time. he recognises a few members of the dance team eating lunch in the gardens and waves, noticing that neither hyunjin or felix are with them. yeji calls out that they’re in the library with seungmin and he thanks her before making his way into the building and up the stairs.

in the library, the librarian smiles up at him and motions to the floor above them, where he assumes his friends are. he bows at her and jogs his way up to the upper floor, collapsing face-down on the beanbag next to felix when he finds them. the freckled boy laughs at him and pulls his backpack off, taking his textbooks and laptop away too. “what’s up with you?”

jisung groans, allowing his hands to fall limp at his sides. he grumbles into the soft material he’s lying on and listens to felix laugh again. there’s a shuffling of footsteps before a heavy weight lands on his back. he stifles a moan when an arm brushes against the scars on the upper half of his back and tries to let out a playful whine. “i forgot my keys at home and my family left for busan yesterday so now i have nowhere to go,” he pouts, resting his chin on the beanbag and reaching his arm back to swat at hyunjin on his back.

seungmin snorts and pushes his laptop off his lap. “are you kidding me, ji?” he asks, exasperated. he shuffles across the floor until he’s sat at jisung’s side, “come stay with me for the time being then.” he offers nonchalantly, as if it’s nothing. it shocks jisung to the core and makes him sit up. he adjusts the hem of his shirt and watches as seungmin flicks hyunjin on the forehead. “you can stay in wonpil’s room.”

“wait- are you serious?” jisung asks, letting felix fall onto his lap. “seungmin, i couldn’t-”

“nonsense,” hyunjin interrupts, nursing the red spot on his forehead from where seungmin had flicked him, “where else are you going to go?” when jisung doesn’t answer, he smirks smugly, crossing his arms over his chest. “see? then it’s settled! you can stay with seungminnie!”

jisung stares, mouth hung open slightly. he can’t believe this; no-one outside of his tight-knit, makeshift family of jae, chan and changbin have ever offered him a place to stay whenever he can’t be at home. albeit, they don’t quite know about the truth to his current situation, but he’s still extremely grateful for the opportunity they have proposed to him.

in his lap, felix smiles up to him. his freckled cheeks puff up under his eyes and it makes jisung want to pinch them but he restrains himself- only slightly. “let us help you, sungie.” he utters, tone way too happy. his lips are glossy from the banana-scented lip gloss he likes to put on and jisung is suddenly overcome with an immense feeling of joy and gratification and love.

here, jisung falls in love to the buzz of conversation and unfinished essays and silent promises.

the beginning of the summer term finds felix sitting huddled around the counter of the café seungmin works at. the slightly younger boy is about to end his shift and they’re both waiting for hyunjin so they can go to the library to finish any essays and reports that need to be done. they’re all in the last term of their first year of university so they’re swamped with work. jisung has been distant lately, but felix isn’t worried- he’s busy with projects and recordings so he hasn’t had that much of a chance to hang out with them but he’d promised to meet as soon as he was done in the studio.

“i can’t stay for long,” felix notes the way seungmin’s eye bags have gotten worse over the past few months, even after his argument and make-up with jisung, “i’ve got a shift at the convenience store later.”

“i don’t think we’re staying out late,” felix mutters, “hyunjin has an early lecture tomorrow,” they know each other’s schedules by heart now, “and jisung needs to be back in the studio before eleven.”

seungmin hums and felix watches as he cleans down the counter. they’re the only ones in the café, seeing as it’s nearly closing time. seungmin has turned the volume of the radio up so the soft tune of taeyeon’s u r fills up the comfortable silence between them. it’s raining out, so it fits perfectly and felix can’t help but watch as seungmin pushes the hair out of his face. he imagines what it would be like if he could run his hands through the newly-dyed black locks, or maybe soothe the pad of his thumb against the dark circles on top of the apples of his cheeks.

felix sighs- feelings are confusing. whilst he most definitely likes seungmin, he also most definitely likes both hyunjin and jisung. he knows he likes them more than best friends because, more often than not, he wishes to peck their pouting lips or cuddle all day into their warmth. sure, jisung’s clingy and affectionate nature makes it so that sort of stuff already happens between them- but felix wants more. felix wants kisses, he wants dates, he wants love. he wants more.

“he’s been in the studio a lot lately.” seungmin mutters, folding the washcloth. he turns around and places it next to the sink before drying his hands on his apron and pulling the fabric off, hanging it on the hook next to the kitchen door and moving to sit on the stool next to felix. “do you know what he’s working on?”

“a new song, i think,” felix answers, pulling out his phone to see if they’ve received any new messages from the groupchat, “jisung said it was really important. hey, is he still staying at your place?”

seungmin shakes his head, gathering his textbooks and making sure they’re all still there. “he left a few days ago. apparently, his family came home early.”

felix sighs, suddenly resigned. he rests his arm on the counter and pushes his head down to rest on it. lately, he’s been noticing the increase in bruises and cuts that decorate jisung’s skin whenever they meet. it stopped when jisung was living with seungmin but very quickly returned over the last few days. it’s worrying and there’s no doubt that everyone has started to notice. “do you think that, maybe, there’s something wrong at home?”

seungmin nods, “when he was staying over, he liked to walk around in a sheer shirt. you could see everything- bruises and scars, old and new. i asked him about them, once, but he only said it was a story for another day so i didn’t push it.”

“are we bad friends for not doing something about it?” felix asks absentmindedly, pout decorating his lips. “jae-hyung, chan-hyung and changbin-hyung seem to know whatever’s happening and they’re always so overprotective of him. it makes me think that, maybe, we could also be doing something about it.”

“we’re not bad friends, ‘lix,” seungmin answers, “we just don’t have answers. it was probably the same for the hyungs, until jisung finally trusted them enough to tell them whatever’s been going on.”

“still,” felix whines, “it hurts not knowing what’s going on or how to help.” he sits up in his seat again, pocketing his phone. “what if it starts getting worse?”

“jisung is smart enough to tell people if it goes too far.”

“but still-”

felix is interrupted by the ring of the bell, echoeing through the already-full café. hyunjin arrives and the conversation dwindles down to pointed looks. whatever it is, they’ll talk about it later.

the house of cards falls and builds itself up again at the start of summer break.

wonpil returns home and seungmin is able to take a long break from his job at the convenience store. the café closes for the summer and felix invites hyunjin, seungmin and jisung over to his house for the summer. hyunjin accepts first, stating that his parents wouldn’t want him home anyway. the comment worries them all greatly but he reassures them that he’ll open up about it soon, and that it’s nothing to worry about. seungmin accepts much later, hesitantly, and they find out from wonpil that their mother had forced him to go and have fun and _live your life, minnie baby!! _jisung doesn’t accept, however, but promises to drop by every once and a while. he says something about his father wanting to spend time with him and promptly drops off the face of the earth until the second week of the holidays.

felix’s parents are nice, hyunjin finds. he tries not to allow the jealousy in his gut build up when he sees the way they hug and kiss their children. he tries not to feel bad about his own home situation when he’s fed warm, delicious food. he tries not to scream when felix’s mother comes into the bedroom before they sleep and wishes the three of them goodnight with a wide smile. he opens up about it when jisung comes over for the first time and comments on how nice felix’s parents are.

they’re sitting in felix’s childhood bedroom. his walls are decorated with old superhero posters and polaroid pictures, as well as medals and certificates dated to when he was in sydney. his bookshelf is full and seungmin takes the time to read as many of them as he can, sat next to hyunjin on felix’s bed. the two others are sat on the floor at the foot of the bed, in the middle of an intense game of mario kart. there’s a knock on the door and hyunjin looks up from his phone to find felix’s mother in the doorway with a plate of sliced fruit. hyunjin scurries off the bed to help and she smiles up at him, patting his cheek lightly and telling him to make sure they all eat well.

“your mother is so kind,” jisung notes when felix pauses the game and they all gather on the bed around the plate. all the slightly younger boy does is nod, popping an apple slice on the tip of his tongue and biting down slowly. hyunjin stares at his nonchalant reaction and something bubbles up in his chest. he wants to call him out on him, make him accept the compliment, but he doesn’t do that. instead- he does the worst thing possible.

he bursts out crying.

the tears are insistent and they run down his chin and neck, dampening his shirt. he drops the apple slice back onto the plate and brings his hands up to his eyes, covering them shakily. he feels the bed dip beside him and sinks into the arms that wrap around his shoulders. there’s a few murmurs around him before a warm hand pulls his own out of his face, pressing a cloth to his cheeks and wiping away the upcoming tears. “hyunjin, babe,” he doesn’t miss the way his heart still skips a beat, “i need you to breathe, okay?” a hand presses his own against someone else’s chest and only then does he realise that he’s started to hyperventilate. “follow my breathing, okay? in and out, slowly. in and out.”

he follows the voice with little difficulty, chest stuttering every once in a while. they don’t ask any questions, which he’s grateful for, but he begins talking anyway. “my parents,” he sniffs, “they kicked me out a few years ago. they said it was because they didn’t agree with the way i was planning my life- they didn’t like that i was dancing, or that i’m studying practical english. they don’t like that i’m not following their rules, or their dreams, and they think i’m setting a bad example for my younger sisters. but- i’m not- i’m just trying to live my life but they don’t understand that.” jisung reaches forward and clutches his hand tightly. reassuring. “and, yeah, they pay for my tuition and for my accommodation but- but i don’t know what’s going to happen to me when i graduate, and it’s scary. i don’t have that parental support.” he’s not waiting for an answer, or a solution. and they seem to know that.

seungmin speaks next, quietly. “my mum and dad divorced when i was five. i guess that’s when we started struggling financially. my grandma came to help support us and, for a while, we were okay. but then, grandma got sick and wonpil was leaving home and mum was losing jobs so i had to step up. i had to help; we were struggling.” his hands shake and hyunjin reaches over to take one like jisung had done to him. “i worked part-time in department stores and coffee shops and anywhere that would take me. then, the summer of my last year of high school, i applied to work in the café with jeongin. i’ve worried about money my whole life and i never notice when i take it too far. it just… consumes me.”

“i have insomnia, and anxiety- both diagnosed for nearly four years now.” felix is shy when he speaks, voice stuttering slightly so hyunjin takes one of his hands with his unoccupied one. “when i moved from sydney, i didn’t know anyone or anything. i panicked a lot and didn’t feel comfortable here so my parents took me to the clinic and they diagnosed me. i panicked a lot then too- because i didn’t understand anything they were telling me and all i could see were my parents looking at me with pity and worry and it was scary. they prescribed me with sleeping pills and referred me to a therapist for a while whilst i settled and i was okay, i was starting to feel more comfortable. i met minho-hyung and eric and yeji and i joined the dance team and i was happy. it got really bad again in my last year of high school; i couldn’t sleep, even with my sleeping pills, and i couldn’t eat. i isolated myself and tried my hardest to stay away- but then i met you guys. i gained three best friends, three hyungs and a younger brother. you’ve helped me out over the past year, and i want you all to know that.”

felix’s eyes turn to jisung and he reaches over to connect their hands, squeezing tightly and running his thumb over his knuckles. they can all see the war waging on in his head through his eyes, the way he seems troubled, mouth opening and closing slowly. felix gives his hand another squeeze and whispers, “you don’t have to say anything, jisung.”

jisung shakes his head, teeth clenched and eyes screwed shut. “no, i want to.” he breathes in and out through his nose and opens his eyes. he stares at the other three sadly and both felix and seungmin give his hands reassuring squeezes.

“my father-” he doesn’t say dad, he realises, never; he’s not allowed to, “he hits me. sometimes. it’s why i always end up showing up to lectures with bruises and cuts. it’s not that bad, so don’t worry. i don’t go home when i know he is and i try to avoid seeing him whenever i can. honestly, chan-hyung and changbin-hyung’s dorm is more of a home to me than anything else. and if i can’t stay there, i go to jae-hyung or i sleep in the studios so- so it’s not that bad. i promise you.” his face is buried in his hands when he’s finally finished talking and the words he’d uttered somehow catch up to him, causing tears to stray from his tightly-shut eyes.

“jisung…” seungmin’s voice drifts of, almost as if he knows that the blonde doesn’t want to talk about it, but, rather just wants the reassurance that they’re there. they’re safe. the youngest of the quartet brings them all into a hug, holding them close. they all have their problems but they promise to work through them together.

that night, they decide to sleep in felix’s bed instead of spreading out around the room. it’s a tight squeeze, with jisung having to lie against hyunjin’s chest. felix and seungmin are at the sides, and all three of them are wrapped tightly under felix’s spiderman duvet. they’re watching an anime on the tv but jisung isn’t paying attention because he’s too busy watching the three boys in front of him, tracing little patterns into hyunjin’s pyjamas.

“hey,” his whisper comes out slowly, as if he’s almost afraid to speak. he can feel the blush rising to his cheeks and can’t believe he’s about to do this here. now. under itchy childhood spiderman duvets, wearing a penguin onesie. he breathes slowly, trying to steady his beating heart. he hopes hyunjin can’t feel it. “i have something else to tell you.”

they all hum simultaneously, eyes not moving from where they’re focused on the tv. vaguely, he can feel hyunjin’s hand rub his shoulders as reassurance that they’re listening. he looks up and surveys their faces, the way their cheeks are dusted rose because it’s all too warm underneath the covers and the way their lips are pursed as they remain invested in the cartoon. jisung waits, for a moment, until he can hear a song erupt from the tv. a soft melody fills the room, accompanied by a sweet voice and- “i think i love you. all of you.”

there’s a pause. jisung feels his heart pounding fast, beating against his ears and rattling his senses. he’s absolutely sure his face is bright red and burning up but he’s too scared to even move. the song continues playing but he can’t hear any breathing and, when he looks up, they’re all staring at him. a tingling sensation overcomes him and he flushes, bringing his onesie paws up to cover his face. he’s so embarrassed and mildly scared of rejection- of ruining whatever they already have.

“jisung,” felix’s voice pierces through his inner monologue and he can feel another hand move across his back, “jisung, can you look up at us, love?” love- he’s never heard that before. he likes it, and it reassures him. slightly. he does as he’s asked, biting at his bottom lip nervously.

hyunjin laughs at his, presumably red, face and jisung whines, going back to burying his face in his hands when seungmin grabs his chin and smashes his lips against jisung’s own. it’s a slow and sweet kiss, soft skin against chapped. jisung’s eyes widen significantly but he sinks into the warmth, letting his penguin hood fall over their faces.

they pull away when they hear felix whine. “why does seungmin get the first kiss?”

and, suddenly, jisung is overcome with emotion. his arms snake out and around both seungmin and felix’s chests, pulling them close. he feels hyunjin wrap his own arms around his waist and a kiss is pressed to the top of his head. “does this mean you like me too? that we all like each other?” he asks timidly, closing his eyes.

he looks up again just in time to see hyunjin and felix share a small kiss and he smiles. seungmin reaches over and runs a hand through his hair, to which jisung almost purrs in delight. the anime is long since forgotten in the flurry of kisses and confessions they give each other. they talk about falling, head first in the pit of love, and they talk out their feelings until they’re all crying tears of happiness. love.

that night, just as jisung is about to close his eyes and sleep, he hears three different voices whisper _i love you_’s into his ears. his heart stutters and he flushes, pulling his penguin hoodie over his face to hide the crimson that now decorates his cheeks. he hasn’t heard anyone say that to him so genuinely since younghyun died, and it feels nice. it makes him feel like he matters.

it makes him feel content.

their relationship isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, hyunjin finds. sometimes they hug and kiss and cuddle in bed all day. sometimes they argue, and fight. hyunjin has found himself torn between all three sides of an argument multiple times and sometimes has been the one arguing himself. on more than one occasion, hyunjin has been the one to give silent treatment, as well as receive it. but his boyfriend’s are all understanding, and loving, so the fights never last long.

one night, they discover that felix has stopped taking his sleeping pills. they don’t confront him about it straight away, because by now they know that that approach never works and only causes more arguments. when they go to bed at night, they make sure to hug felix close and soothe his back. sometimes, they don’t sleep unless felix does and it’s only when hyunjin nearly falls asleep cooking breakfast do they decide that they have to do something about it.

“hey, ‘lix,” it’s seungmin that starts, “can we talk?” he’s sitting on the couch of felix’s living room, nursing a cup of warm tea in his hands. it’s summer but it’s getting a bit cold out lately. jisung perks up from his place on the floor and stuffs his phone into his pocket, climbing into hyunjin’s lap. felix hums and tilts his head up slightly from where he’s sat on the floor, nodding in confirmation that he’s listening. “have you stopped taking your pills?”

felix flinches upwards and stands, body tense. “what? no- i’m, i’m still taking them.” his face is fearful and he looks like he’s about to run out of the door any minute but seungmin rises carefully and puts his cup on the coffee table. felix flinches away from them, suddenly feeling surrounded.

“’lix, don’t lie to us,” hyunjin utters softly, holding jisung by the waist. he’s not angry, no way, but he’s worried- extremely, in the same way he’s worried about what will happen when summer ends and seungmin has to return to his jobs, or jisung has to return home. “baby, please tell us the truth.”

“i haven’t stopped!” felix stutters, starting to walk backwards. the back of his knees collides with the table and he clenches his fists. he’s kept this up since they got together earlier in the summer, afraid of the side effects the pills cause. afraid that they won’t love him when they find out what happens when he takes them. “i- i really haven’t.”

he turns when he hears jisung sniff. the smaller boy is wearing a frown, eyes starting to fill with tears. hyunjin pulls him close and sees, very suddenly, the way felix is overcome with an immense sense of guilt and his entire body starts to break down. seeing his usually excited, smiley boyfriend look so scared and so troubled because of him breaks his heart and he listens closely when jisung begs. “please, ‘lixie.”

but he’s angry too. he’s angry because they won’t believe him- even if he is lying. he’s angry because he hasn’t hidden this as well as he thought. angry because he’s messed this up before it even truly began. “why won’t you believe me?” hyunjin knows he doesn’t mean for it to come off as threatening but the guilt and the anger is fuelling his anxiety and he can’t help it. “why won’t you fucking believe me?”

jisung flinches away and seungmin’s face hardens significantly. hyunjin steps forward as a mediator and tries to pull him close but he only pushes the hands away. this- this is what he was afraid of. his anxiety has well and truly ruined him and now he has nowhere to run. “felix,” seungmin’s voice is loud and clearer than glass, “calm down.”

“calm down?” felix laughs. “how can i calm down when my own boyfriends don’t trust me to make my own decisions?” it’s a low blow, seeing as they are just worried and hyunjin tries not to let the hurt show on his face. they trust felix, of course they do, but he’s prone to hiding his feelings for the sake of others. they all are.

“we’re just worried, ‘lix,” jisung says, stepping forward, “you haven’t been sleeping at all and you constantly look like you’re going to collapse.” felix doesn’t move to complain when jisung stands in front of him, hands caressing his cheeks and thumbs rubbing over the dark areas under his eyes that he knows have come about since he stopped taking his pills. jisung stares with sad eyes, clearly upset, and felix doesn’t have enough power to push the much smaller boy away.

“i’m trying,” felix whispers, “i don’t want you to know me as someone who’s dependant on pills. i don’t want you to experience me at my worst. those pills, sungie, they make me so sick. they make me hurl and they make me so, so angry. i don’t want- i don’t want you to love me like that.” he leans forward and rests his forehead on jisung’s shoulder, clenching his fist against the elder’s chest. he’s so tired.

“i know, baby,” jisung coos, running a hand through felix’s hair slowly. hyunjin watches as the blonde motions them over with a small tilt of the head. he and seungmin stare at each other before nodding, moving closer and attaching themselves around the other pair. “but you need to keep taking them, okay? we can go back to your doctor about the side effects, but you need to keep taking them because they help you.”

“what if i push you away?” felix whispers sadly and jisung finally realises what he’s truly afraid of. the notion of his mood swings being the cause of separation terrifies felix, pushes him to do whatever he can to prevent it. it pulls at jisung’s heartstrings and causes his teeth to chatter. “what if i lose you?”

“you could never, baby,” seungmin whispers in return when jisung doesn’t. the elder is choked up. “we’re always here. do you push me away when i overwork myself and snap? do you push jisung away when he doesn’t return hugs or when he gets frustrated? do you push hyunjin away when he gets angry over dances?” felix shakes his head- of course he doesn’t. “then don’t you ever think we’ll push you away for something you can’t control.”

felix chokes on a sob, tightening his hold on jisung’s shirt. he feels tears slip out of his eyes and dampen the slightly elder boy’s shirt but he doesn’t make any move to pull away. instead, he pulls him closer and lets felix sob and sob and mutter his apologies, stroking the back of his head with a soothing hand.

“we love you,” hyunjin stresses, tightening his arms around them, “and we’re _never_ going to leave you.”

the week before lectures begin again, hyunjin receives a call from his sister. she wants to meet up because she’s in seoul for a few weeks and their parents are on a business trip in tokyo with his younger siblings and are going to be gone for two month. she promises never to tell their parents that they’re going to meet up but hyunjin is hesitant; if the old man and woman hear about this, they’ll cut him off completely and he can’t afford to do that. he promises to call back when he’s decided and she’s so, so accepting- so much more than hyunjin could ever imagine. his sister has grown up now.

“i don’t know, seungminnie.” he and seungmin are sitting in felix’s bedroom as the other two play mario kart on the tv downstairs. “i want to see her- i do. i mean, my sister was thirteen when i last properly saw her and now she’s sixteen and she sounds so grown up. god, i really don’t know what to do.”

“you should go, jinnie,” seungmin comments, not even looking up from his book, “it’s nice enough that she wants to see you. it means that she doesn’t quite agree with your parent’s decisions. it means she wants her brother back.”

hyunjin thinks, for a moment, and decides that he’ll call her back tonight and ask to meet on the day that jisung and seungmin go home so felix can spend a few hours with his parents. when he does call back, she agrees happily and they set up a place and a time. for the next few days before they meet, he’s filled with a sense of contentment.

they decide to meet in front of the old library they used to go to before they moved to las vegas. he’s clad in black ripped jeans and a loose burgundy satin shirt- the one she’d gifted to him on his last birthday against their parent’s wishes. he’s walking slowly, almost as if he’s afraid she won’t be there. he breathes out and, when he turns the corner, he finally sees her.

his sister is taller than the last time he saw her. her fashion sense has changed from the style of a thirteen-year-old to a sixteen-year-old, from leggings to jeans. her hair is no longer the dyed brown she once had, but a rose gold that falls down her back. her face is hauntingly similar to his own and he can see himself in the way she stands. she’s on her phone, talking, but when she turns her head slightly and finds him staring at her, she pockets the phone and hops on one foot. “hyunjin!”

she’s excited, hyunjin notes, and happy to see him. it makes him smile and pushes him to step forward and into her awaiting arms. he pushes her head to his chest and breathes in the vanilla milk and papaya shampoo she uses- she still uses, even after three years. he rubs her head slowly and feels tears spring to his eyes. he’s missed her- missed this. he’s missed his home.

“don’t cry,” she whispers when his chest starts to shake, “i don’t want to spend the only day i have with you crying. it makes you look ugly.” she pulls away and stares him in the eye, smiling a toothy grin. she’s gotten her braces off now, and her make-up is much better than how she used to do it. she’s grown up, and it makes him emotional.

hyunjin rolls his eyes jokingly and swings his arm around her shoulders. she’s tall, yes, but still a lot shorter than hyunjin himself. “why would i cry over seeing your ugly face?” he misses joking around with her like this. she whines and punches his shoulder, pouting, and he can feel the happiness that wounds itself around his heart and soul.

they end up at a restaurant on the other side of seoul, because they were both too nervous to eat in the morning. they talk about everything and anything, from things like past relationships to whether or not hyunjin still farts in his sleep. he promises he doesn’t, and that his boyfriends can stand testament to that, but she disagrees. _it’s not something that just stops_, she says, and hyunjin throws a breadstick at her. they also talk about felix and seungmin and jisung- she talks about how she’s happy he’s found people that love and support him, and how she wants to meet them one day, to thank them. he says that time will come soon, and that, when it happens, they’ll surely greet her with open arms.

and, when the time comes for them to split up, he watches as she deletes his number from her phone hesitantly and breathes out. it shouldn’t hurt as much as it does but he can see the way her face contorts sadly. he smiles at her, reassuringly, and pats her hair one last time before spinning around and walking away.

it’s only when he’s turned the corner does he let the tears fall.

the day before the start of their second year, jae invites them all to the club for a surprise. he doesn’t tell them anything about it, and seungmin is a bit hesitant to accept but he’s always likes jae’s surprises so he agrees to go. later, he finds out that even the dance team has been invited and he instantly feels slightly nervous. he knows the dance team, is friendly with most of them, but it doesn’t mean he’s comfortable being in the same room as them in an underground club.

it’s nearing ten in the evening when felix and hyunjin arrive at the convenience store to pick him up. jisung texts them saying that he’s going to be late and to _save me a seat!!_ and, when seungmin’s shift ends, they make their way next door. they can’t help but feel the worry well up in their stomachs when jisung texts them, but it’s quickly reassured when jae tells them that he’s with chan and changbin.

“so, what’s the surprise?” seungmin asks, leaning his chin on the armrest of the couch he’s sat on. beside him, felix is playfully pushing eric off the couch so hyunjin can take his space. the younger whines but makes his way over to hwall to annoy him instead.

“it’s a secret!” jae gasps, hand on his chest, almost scandalised. seungmin rolls his eyes at this and sinks into the warmth of felix’s touch. he misses jisung, terribly, because the eldest september boy gives the best hugs out of all three of them. he always, always, leans his head into their chests and listens to their heartbeats and moves to the rise and fall of their chests. seungmin likes to run his hands through jisung’s soft blonde locks.

no more than ten minutes later, the lights of the club dim and seungmin hears the sound of chairs scraping against the floor as the dance team take a seat behind them. in the corner of his eye, he sees jae smirking but he chooses to ignore it in favour of grabbing felix’s hand in his own. he looks up at the stage, listens to the beat that erupts from the speakers, and waits for whoever is coming out and, not even a second later, a head of blue hair emerges from the back. following him, another two figures walk out, rapping, and seungmin’s eyes widen significantly, jaw dropping. he makes eye contact with jae, who only shrugs in return.

it’s 3racha. 3racha is in front of them, only them. sure, seungmin has come to watch them multiple times before in this club but something about this time feels different. it’s more personal; he doesn’t have to fight through a crowd of people to get to the front. they’re performing what seems to be a new song, because seungmin hasn’t heard of it before. it’s exhilarating and show-stopping and it makes him want to stand up and cheer but he restrains himself. felix nudges him and points over to j.one, who’s walking, very slowly, to their side of the stage.

j.one sits on the edge of the stage in front of them and stares through his black masquerade mask. he runs his hands through his navy-blue hair and seungmin nearly swoons, eyes still attached to the blue ones staring at him and his boyfriends. j.one smiles at them and it’s awfully familiar- reminds them of the boy that had said he’d be here soon but still has yet to arrive. seungmin turns his head, breaking eye contact, and stares at the door. “hey, hyung?” he shouts out to jae over the music, “have you heard from jisung yet?” but jae only smiles at him and points towards the stage again.

seungmin turns, hesitantly, and watches as j.one jumps from the stage. behind him, yeji gasps as the slightly shorter boy starts walking towards them. seungmin feels his heart beat quicker and grabs felix’s hand from beside him. hyunjin reaches over and gives his other hand a reassuring squeeze. they, too, are both physically shaking in excitement because this is j.one- a third of 3racha, the group that helped them, and continues to help them, cope with their problems and insecurities.

j.one brings his hand up to his mask and plays with the edges and seungmin audibly gasps- no, they’re not supposed to know 3racha’s identities. it’s been like that since they started performing live; they would always wear the same masquerade masks, concealing the upper half of their faces. j.one smirks and drops his hand back to his side as he stops right in front of them- playful, joking. that’s j.one.

he brings his microphone up to his lips and starts rapping. his voice is low and raspy but still has a tint of smooth honey. it’s familiar- gives a feeling of home. his hand goes up to his mask again when he stops at their feet. he leans over and seungmin has to stop himself from pulling back when j.one pulls them all close. behind him, he hears the dance team gasp but he’s too shocked by the fact that j.one is hugging him and his boyfriends close, in arms so familiar and so warm. “i love you.”

and it’s like everything starts to move in slow-motion. seungmin hears a ringing in his ears and pushes himself away slowly. his eyes are wide as he flicks them over to felix and hyunjin, who both wear matching expressions. jisung stands in front of them, hair _navy-blue_ out of all colours. seungmin is reminded that he’s wearing blue contacts and, _wow_, he’s so lucky. _they’re_ so lucky. his cheeks are tinted a soft pink that both matches and compliments his hair and his lips are shiny from the lip gloss he’s wearing. seungmin wants to kiss him- he really wants to kiss him.

jisung is j.one. it hits him like a ton of bricks. he feels his heart stutter as jisung grins at them with his stupidly soft, stupidly pretty heart-shaped smile. tears spring to his eyes when he’s reminded of everything j.one- no, jisung, has done for them. all of his lyrics, his songs- the support that has kept him, hyunjin and felix sane for the past few years of their lives. this is the boy whose voice and lyrics they fell in love with, and the boy who fell for them back.

seungmin does the only thing that comes to mind when jisung finishes his line- he leans over and kisses him. he can taste the blueberry lip gloss as he runs his hand through the blueberry coloured hair. jisung smiles into the kiss and seungmin feels himself fall further and further in love. he pulls away slowly and watches as hyunjin moves forward and kisses their boyfriend, arms wrapped around jisung’s tiny, tiny waist. they kiss slowly and carefully until felix whines about wanting his own kisses. jisung laughs and pulls the freckled boy over, running his thumb over the younger’s cheeks and kissing his lips. felix moans and pulls himself closer and seungmin feels hyunjin snake an arm around his waist so he leans his head on the taller boy’s shoulder and watches with the widest smile as their boyfriends pull away. jisung smiles and runs a hand through his hair again, pulling them all into another hug before spinning around and returning to the stage to finish the song.

seungmin watches as jisung returns to stand between chan and changbin, who have also taken their masks off, and he thinks that, maybe, he won’t mind running his hands through navy-blue instead of blonde.

that night, in the safety of hyunjin’s dorm, jisung tells them the truth- that he, changbin and chan had met in a support group because, as it turns out, they, too, suffered at the hands of their own demons. he tells them that they bonded over their shared love for music and began creating songs on chan’s laptop. their first mixtape had been uploaded to soundcloud in the corner of changbin’s childhood bedroom, and they achieved their first musical milestone in jisung’s attic bedroom, quiet because his father was sleeping on the couch downstairs. he tells them that they’re now part of one of the largest music companies in south korea- jyp entertainment, and smiles at the kisses and cuddles of congratulations that he gets in return.

that night, in the safety of his boyfriend’s arms, jisung promises himself that things will get better now.

seungmin’s grandmother dies two weeks after his nineteenth birthday. it’s tough- seungmin doesn’t come to any of his lectures or show up at any of his shifts for three days and, when he does return, he’s quieter, tired, mourning. he hasn’t had a long enough break, jisung thinks, but he still has bills to pay even in the light of loss.

he and jisung are sat in the library one morning. seungmin is looking through many textbooks and writing an essay whilst jisung is working on lyrics for a new song. he’s meeting up with some of his lyricist co-workers later in the afternoon and needs to complete lyrics to bring with him.

it’s around eleven when seungmin’s alarm goes off and causes them both to flinch back in their chairs. seungmin mutters an apology and jisung watches as he starts to pack away his stuff, saying that he has a shift at the café. his hands are shaky when he moves and his messy, tangled hair falls over his eyes. he doesn’t have his glasses on, most likely because he’s forgotten them at home.

“seungmin,” jisung breathes, putting his pen down, “can you just- wait for a second?” he holds his hands out and waits for seungmin to take them. the latter sighs and puts his backpack down on the floor, grabbing jisung’s hand. the elder boy leads him back down to his seat. “i have something for you.”

jisung holds out an envelope towards him, a small smile on his face. seungmin takes it hesitantly and rips it open slowly, pulling out what’s inside with shaking hands. “what-” he looks up to jisung’s awaiting gaze, “what is this?”

“it’s money, seungminnie,” jisung answers, voice soft as he takes seungmin’s hands and caresses them in his own, “for you and wonpil and your mother.”

“i can’t take this,” seungmin stutters, pushing it back into jisung’s hands but the slightly elder boy lets them fall limp so seungmin has no choice but to hold it. “seriously, jisung. this is too much- i can’t accept it.”

“it’s okay, seungminnie. i’ve been saving up for this- to help you. you need it, baby, and i’m not going to let you overwork yourself again when you should be on a break.” he doesn’t pause when he talks, shushing when seungmin moves to interject. “you’re mourning, baby, and it’s unhealthy to be doing what you’re doing now. you need to stop, breathe, take it all in, and feel. look, there’s enough in there to pay for whatever you need for the next month.”

“jisung…” seungmin’s voice gets stuck in his throat and he chokes on a sob that tries to escape. his tongue is tied and twisted and he can’t seem to form any words so he just looks at his boyfriend with the most tender of looks and hopes that he gets the message. jisung smiles again and motions for him to come closer, pulling him into a tight hug and rubbing his hands across the younger’s back.

things aren’t completely okay- not at all, but, for now, seungmin can manage.

it ends like this.

it’s midday and chan has invited them over to their company building for lunch. felix is ecstatic; he hasn’t seen the eldest couple since their graduation due to their busy schedules. he, hyunjin and seungmin are huddled on the same couch, jeongin sleeping on the couch on the other side of the room and minho on the chair next to changbin, who sits in front of the recording booth with his hand on the red button and his eyes on the sheet of lyrics. jisung isn’t there at the moment; he’d told them he was going to meet up with his professor instead, and promised to eat whilst he was there.

felix watches as hyunjin buries his head into seungmin’s chest and smiles. he kisses the crown of seungmin’s head lightly and asks if he’s comfortable against his own chest. the youngest of the trio nods happily and felix breathes in the scent of coffee in his hair. chan had said that they still have another half an hour until the cafeteria opens so they’ve made themselves comfortable in 3racha’s studio. they’re recording a new song and, from the very small snippets they get to hear, felix knows for a fact that it’ll be one of their best. in fact, jisung had been the one to write the whole song so felix can say he’s a bit biased.

“hey,” seungmin’s whispers quietly, tilting his head back, “do you have your phone? mine’s ten percent and jinnie wants to listen to something so he can take a nap.”

felix shakes his head; his own phone already dead in the bottom of his backpack. he thinks for a moment and reaches for his bag, digging through his textbooks and notebooks looking for something to block out the sound of conversation for hyunjin. he gets deep into his bag when he finds it- the small pink mp3 player jisung had given him that one night at the park. he gasps, sitting up and making both seungmin and hyunjin rise from their lying positions.

he curses, running a hand through his hair. seungmin and hyunjin stare questioningly, and he shakes his head. “i forgot jisung gave this to me. he’s been trying to look for it for weeks now and he told me he’s been needing it for a project. god, i’m so dumb.” he’s shaking, eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed and cheeks pink. he feels bad, embarrassed, for being the cause of jisung’s month-long predicament. his heart beats, quickly, against his chest and he can feel the panic start to bubble.

hyunjin shuffles closer, trying to be discreet as to not interrupt the creative process in front of them. he reaches a hand out and caresses felix’s cheek softly, running his hand over the freckled skin. “hey, calm down, love. it’s okay- jisung won’t mind.”

“should we go give it to him before his professor scolds him again? we can pick him up and bring him here too.” seungmin tries to joke and it works, a little, because felix lets out a small laugh. he rises from his position and brings his two boyfriends with him, passing them their bags before picking up his own. “minho-hyung, changbin-hyung,” he turns his attention to their elder friends, “we’re just going to pick jisung up.”

they don’t wait for an actual reply, just watch as minho waves his hand at them, before they’re out of the door. the university isn’t that far from the company building but hyunjin still offers to drive anyway. they make it there in under ten minutes and enter the building, holding hands. the university halls are almost empty, with only a few people dotted around. the music block is the farthest away from the entrance so they make it there in a little over five minutes, knocking on the door of jisung’s professor’s room.

a small _come in_ resounds from the other side of the door and felix peeks his head through slightly before opening it fully for them to step in. they smile and bow at the professor, who stands with a small smile on his face. he looks confused, seeing as none of the boys in front of him are any of his students. “what can i do for you boys?”

seungmin steps further into the room slowly, “we’re looking for han jisung, sir.”

“jisung?” the slightly older man cocks his head to the side. “he left about ten minutes ago. his father called about a family emergency or something so he left pretty quickly. i think you’d have to go over to his house if you need him?”

“his father called?” felix asks quietly from behind hyunjin, heart having dropped to his stomach. he feels his inside twist and his hand grips the mp3 player even tighter in his hand. the professor nods and they bow again, spinning around and speed-walking out of the room without so much as a thank you.

it hits them then, as they stand in the hallway looking at each other with wide eyes. jisung isn’t here- no, he went home.

he went home.

jisung is tired- exhausted. his father is angry again, more drunk than ever before. behind the larger figure, jisung can see the empty alcohol bottles scattered all over the floor but, before he can comment on it, his father grabs his chin harshly and forces him to look him straight in the eye. it’s a horrible sight, jisung realises, looking a drunk man in the eye. he’s never seen a face so dead inside, so far gone, so unlike the man that used to carry him on his shoulders and parade him and his brother around like they were his most prized possessions.

maybe when younghyun died, he had taken their father with him. jisung remembers the day clearly- he was ten, younghyun was turning eighteen in december. in malaysia, their father was harsh on them about their studies, seeing as they weren’t in korea but still needed to maintain perfect grades. perfect because their father would never be impressed with anything less. perfect because that’s all they ever could be- all they ever must be. it was drilled in their minds, and would surely be the same for their newborn baby brother. their father was the kindest, most loving person they knew, but also the toughest. he hit them, lightly at the time, when their grades were anything less than perfect. screamed when they got sick or slept without studying. loved, but hurt.

younghyun was diagnosed with depression when he was sixteen and their father got tougher. he tried to hurt the depression away, as younghyun used to say. and, when his elder brother had enough, their father had succeeded. only, the depression didn’t go away- no. younghyun did. overdosed on his antidepressants exactly two months before they moved back to korea, in the room they slept and played and studied in, in the bed next to jisung’s own. they moved because they couldn’t handle the reputation they would surely gain- the family that pushed their own firstborn to death. of course, their father was furious with the change. he had a good job and a good life in malaysia, after all, and moving would mean building what he had loved so dearly up again in a place where he was unknown. because that’s all he cared about. his reputation.

things started to change when they got to korea. jisung was stuffed in the tiny attic of their new home, only ten years of age, and was only allowed out to go to school or eat dinner with them- only dinner. not breakfast, not lunch; he didn’t deserve it. he watched his brother grow much like younghyun did- only, this time, the process happened only at the dinner table. his father used to say that he deserved it. for being a bad younger brother, for not trying hard enough to keep his elder brother alive, for killing younghyun. of course, he knew, truly, it wasn’t his fault, but his father’s. but he was ten, and he was mourning so he greeted the pain with open arms.

“where have you been?” his father is beyond furious. his eyes are on fire and his nose flares. his breathing is heavy, too, and venom spills from his lips and burns. his calloused fingers dig into the skin of jisung’s chin and he turns his head roughly, almost jerking it enough to cause injury. “answer me.”

“school,” jisung answers, with much difficulty. from the corner of his eye, he sees movement and his head snaps up to the doorframe leading to the living room in time to see a brown head of hair disappear around the corner. no- his brother is here. he shouldn’t be here; he could get hurt. their father is drunk- too drunk to truly comprehend anything. hurting jisung would bring the ten-year-old boy into the room and their father, in his delirious state, would not hesitate to hurt him too. jisung knows because he had been that little boy once. “i’ve been at my lectures, father.”

the old man glares and jisung can see the movement at the door again. he assumes it’s his brother again, or maybe their mother has finally come home and ushered him out of the house through the back. either way, he doesn’t have much time to think about it before his father pushes him against the front door and slams his head into the floor. not even a second later, a boot slams into his chest and his breath is knocked out of his throat. he whimpers quietly and raises an eyelid to stare at his father, who wipes his lip with his thumb. he’s breathing heavily but he isn’t tired. not yet.

“lectures?” he seethes, bending down to stare his son in the face. he’s holding an empty beer bottle in his hand, jisung realises, and it’s been smashed in half. the ridges are sharp and piercing and they glimmer under the dim light of the hallway. he raises it but it doesn’t fall. instead, a hand snakes up to jisung’s throat and tightens it’s hold. jisung gasps as his breathing gets cut off- he’s chocking. he brings a hand up to his father’s hand around his throat and tries to pull it off but, in retaliation, his father slams his head against the floor again. “i _told you_ not to go in today. i _told you_ to get me more money.”

when he doesn’t answer, his father loosens his hold. only lightly, however, so he can speak. “i haven’t gotten paid yet, father.” he’d given the last of his money to seungmin and the company isn’t paying them until thursday. his head spins and black dots dance around his vision but his father’s grip keeps him grounded; he doesn’t want to die. he doesn’t want to leave like this.

“do not,” his father tightens his hold again and jisung feels his eyes fall shut, “answer back.” panicked, the younger slaps the hand around his throat but it only tightens further- further and harder until he’s pressed against the ground. angry, his father raises the glass and slams it to the side of jisung’s face, cutting the skin and bruising his forehead. the glass scratches his cheek and digs into his hairline and it hurts. it hurts more than anything else he’s ever experienced before. his lips turn cold and he’s sure they’re blue and it’s only a moment later when he feels a sharp pain in his stomach.

jisung’s eyes widen and he brings a shaky hand to the area of pain. there’s something wet and slimy slathered across his chest and stomach and it’s only when he reaches the area where his belly button should be does he feel like top of the bottle embedded in his skin.

blood trickles down his forehead slowly but it’s not just his. his father lies in front of him, eyes closed and body limp. he’s passed out, either from his drunken state or exhaustion. there’s a cut on his forehead from where jisung has tried to defend himself but it’s small and nothing compared to those he’s given to his son in the past. jisung breathes, or, at least, he tries to. in. out. in. out. it hurts more than it should and that’s when he realises that something is terribly, terribly wrong. he can’t breathe like he could every other time he’s been beaten black and blue. his chest is erupting in flames and his heart pushes painfully against his ribcage. something’s broken. and he’s been stabbed.

vaguely, he hears the sound of sirens but it’s too far away for him to decide whether or not they’ll get to him in time. maybe chan called them, or changbin- or maybe their neighbours finally got tired of listening to screams. either way, he can’t bring himself to care. how could when he’s already so far gone?

he moves his head slightly and feels the baby soft, small hands that caress his cheeks. he listens to his brother’s sweet, sweet voice- wavering, watery, but he can’t pull himself together enough to answer. instead, jisung closes his eyes and lets himself fall.

hyunjin sighs as he starts the car. his leg is bouncing up and down anxiously and it takes felix to lay his hand on his thigh for the shaking to stop. he’s agitated and upset because jisung’s father hasn’t called him home in so long, and the last time it happened, the younger had clambered himself up to hyunjin’s dorm room at midnight with bloodied cheeks and broken fingers.

he almost feels himself relax when his phone starts to ring and jisung’s profile picture appears on his screen. it’s one of him in his penguin onesie he loves so much, both hands doing peace signs and closed-eye smiling, “hello? jisungie?”

it’s not jisung, however, but a younger voice. it’s similar, but not his boyfriend. it’s a younger voice, sweet and whiny but also watery. “hello?” the voice stutters and hyunjin makes eye contact with felix and seungmin before putting it on speaker. “is this- hyunjin-hyung?” the voice is shy and timid but it screams of worry. “i’m- jaehyun. jisung-hyung’s brother.” ah, yes. jisung’s ten-year-old brother.

“jaehyun-ah?” hyunjin tries to make his voice as soothing as possible. “what’s wrong, hun? where’s your brother?” the pit of nervousness wells up in his stomach again and he clutches his phone so tightly that seungmin has to take it from him.

“jisung-hyung is hurt,” jaehyun say, voice small. he sounds as if he’s going to cry and it’s only a few more seconds of silence before he truly does. hyunjin feels something pierce through his heart as he listens to the wails and, when he turns around, seungmin’s face is scrunched up. “dad- dad hurt him.”

felix speaks next, noticing the speechlessness that has overcome the other two in the car. “honey, i need you to tell me what happened, okay? where are you?” he bites his lip anxiously and feels his fingertips scratch against the exposed skin of his arm. this is the first time anyone from jisung’s home has called about him and only the worst comes to mind.

“i’m at the- the police station, hyung. dad hurt jisung-hyung,” jaehyun repeats, “and there was blood everywhere. mummy always told me to call the police if i saw anything bad happen at home. i went home because i was feeling sick but dad was shouting at jisung-hyung in the hallway and he was drunk and- and-”

“and what, jaehyun?” felix’s voice is pleading and his face is pale. he’s afraid, so, so afraid.

“dad stabbed him with a beer bottle.” hyunjin jumps forward and almost slams his head against the wheel. his heart stops entirely and cotton fills his ears. he can’t hear anything anymore- seungmin’s voice telling him to breathe, felix’s voice asking for jaehyun to calm down and keep talking. his body starts rocking frantically and he inhales a stuttering breath. he’s borderline hyperventilating, and he’s sure he’s going to start crying soon- if he hasn’t already.

“hyunjin, baby, can you hear me? i need you to drive to the hospital whilst we call the others, okay? can you do that, baby?” he’s tongue-tied and unable to speak, so he only nods his head and grips the steering wheel. he pictures jisung, lying alone in a stretcher, bleeding out from a wound caused by the person that was supposed to love and protect him. he stops for a moment and breathes. in. out. in. out.

it hurts.

when jisung wakes up, it’s to the sound of sirens.

this isn’t what’s supposed to happen- he’s supposed to wake up in a sterile white room with a heart monitor beeping obnoxiously at his side. he’s supposed to wake up with a head lying on his bed and a hand holding his own. he’s supposed to wake up with bandages around his body and nurses telling him he’s going to be okay.

instead, he wakes up to screams and shouts. he wakes up to masked paramedics and gloved hands. there’s something wrapped around his neck, surrounding his mouth. it helps him breathe through the pain radiating throughout his body. vaguely, he realises that they’re moving and that he’s lying on a stretcher. the paramedic shouts something and white cloaks fill his vision. “han jisung, asian male, nineteen-years-old,” the paramedic informs the doctor, “younger brother called in, said he saw their father stab him in the stomach with a broken beer bottle. signs of ongoing child abuse, no sexual assault. father has been arrested, brother in police custody, mother and younger sister travelling back from busan and boyfriends have been called.” a light shines in his eye and he holds back a moan, eyes slipping shut.

he hears the mutters of sympathy and pity beyond the screams for more doctors and to clear space. there’s a prick in his arm before something starts rushing through his veins. someone moves his head and presses down on the wound on his stomach and he wants to scream in pain but there’s something in his mouth so he has to breathe heavily through his nose. “hey, honey,” he hears in his ear. it’s an unfamiliar voice but it’s soothing so he listens closely. “i need you to hold on for us, okay? you’re going to be just fine.”

something escapes the corner of his eye and runs down his cheek- a tear. it’s supposed to burn but jisung’s face is numb, and he slowly finds that his entire body is doing the same. his eyes flutter open and closed, and he can vaguely see the crinkle of a woman’s eyes before he falls unconscious.

when he next opens his eyes, jisung thinks that this is what he’s supposed to wake up to. he’s sat up against the cushioned elevated head of his bed, his heart monitor beeps with the pulse of his heart and there’s a humming in his ear. there’s a heavy weight on his right hand and something is injected in his left arm. there’s something in his nose, helping him breathe, and his head is bandaged up tightly. it’s dark in his room but he can still see the tiled ceiling staring back at him.

he moves his head, slightly, against the pillow behind him. hyunjin is lying at his bedside, holding his bandaged hand with a loose grip. his head is tilted up to face jisung and the latter can see the tear stains decorating his elder boyfriend’s cheeks. the tip of his nose is tinted pink and his lips are bleeding ever so slightly. jisung wants to kiss them but he can’t move. instead, he focuses all his energy on trying to move his hand.

hyunjin wakes up as soon as he feels the slightest bit of movement. his head snaps up so quickly jisung is mildly afraid that he has whiplash. he looks close to tears when he sees jisung awake but he manages to supress it as he leans over to jisung’s face caressing his cheek. “hi, baby.” he plasters a small smile on his face, “how are you feeling?”

jisung feels his eyes flutter before he opens them again. vaguely, he can feel the bruising on his cheeks that make it difficult for his eyes to stay open. he opens his mouth and feels the cuts on his lips, making it hard for him to speak. there’s something in his throat and snaking out of his mouth, taped to the edges of his lips. he shakes his head, unable to say anything.

hyunjin stares sympathetically, pulling away and bending over the armchair to reach something. jisung stares through lidded eyes as hyunjin pulls out a whiteboard and pen, placing it in his lap. the elder grabs his hand carefully, pushing the pen into the bandaged appendage, and sits back down. “do you need me to call a nurse, baby?”

jisung shakes his head slowly, hand moving over the whiteboard. his writing is messy and almost illegible because of how shaky his hand is and how heavy his eyelids are. when he’s done, he turns the board with a flick of his wrist. hyunjin reads it slowly, trying to comprehend what is written, before humming. _where are ‘min and ‘lix?_ “they went to go pick up your brother and sister, love. they’ll be here soon.”

jisung’s hold tightens slightly on the pen and he motions for hyunjin to rub the writing away before the board is turned back to him. he breathes out through his nose and writes slowly. when he turns the board again, hyunjin nods his head at the question. _my bro an’ sis? _“yes, your brother and sister. jaehyun called us, baby, he was very brave. he called the police and paramedics too.” at the answer, jisung screws his eyes shut. he can’t believe jaehyun was there, can’t believe that his own brother watched as their father beat him up and stab him. he can’t believe that his brother and sister have been subject to such terrible trauma so early on in their lifetime.

_my parents?_ “they’re in police custody, babe. both of them. your dad for child abuse and attempted murder, and your mum for negligence. you never have to worry about them again, okay? you’re safe now.”

_what’ll happen to us? my brother and sister? _“you’re eighteen now, sungie. you can do whatever you wish. jae has offered to let you live with him and chan in his apartment for the time being. your brother and sister will be put into care and your company can set up an apartment for you and your siblings to move into when you’re back on your feet.”

_i’ve never- i don’t know my sister’s name. i wasn’t allowed to see her. _hyunjin stares back at the writing sadly, “her name is jia, honey. han jia.” jisung feels a tear slip down his cheek. he’s relieved, so, so relieved. he no longer has to worry about being around his brother or sister. he no longer has to tiptoe around his own house as if he doesn’t belong there. he no longer has to be a stranger to his siblings. no longer. _han jia_, he writes, _that’s a lovely name_.

he wants to ask more questions about jia and jaehyun, about what they’re like in real life, if they’re as funny and as nice as he thought they’d grow to be. but, before he can do so, the door slams open and little, tiny footsteps approach his bed. he looks up to see felix enter the room first, moving to kiss his bandaged forehead. he smiles, tired, and welcomes seungmin’s kiss to his cheek. “hey baby,” seungmin whispers, “are you back with us now?”

jisung smiles, nodding his head. weakly, he grabs felix’s hand, and lets the younger carry the bandaged appendage to the small head of hair that peaks out from his bedside. the smaller figure doesn’t reach the bed, so she has to tilt her head up to look at her injured brother. jia’s eyes are wide in disbelief and worry, big, brown and caramel-coloured. jisung looks at her through heavy eyes, patting her head slowly. her hair is soft and silky, much like his had once been.

his eyes wonder over to the other small figure, who’s waist just about reaches the bedside. jaehyun’s hair is messy on top of his head and he looks as if he’s been sobbing but he still smiles widely. he’s wearing braces, jisung realises. “jia, this is jisung-hyung!” jaehyun chirps, picking up the younger girl by wrapping his arms around her chest, “he’s the best brother in the world! when i was little, he used to give me extra meat and rice at dinner and he even used to give me lollipops even though mummy said i wasn’t allowed! we used to have another brother too, and his name was younghyun-hyung. mummy used to say that he’s with grandma now.”

jia looks up, holding jaehyun’s arms tightly. with her tiny, tiny hand, she reaches over to hold jisung’s own. her hand fits perfectly in the palm of his own and her skin is baby soft. it makes him choke on some sort of sob, overwhelmed and emotional. she stares up at him with her big doe eyes, and blinks her long eyelashes. “sungie?” she asks, voice small, and jisung feels his heart break a little. “are you okay?”

felix moves forward when jisung is unable to answer, taking jia from jaehyun’s hold and letting her sit on his waist. she’s wearing a cute floral dress, white ankle socks and little flowery shoes. “he can’t talk at the moment because he’s just a little bit hurt and needs to stay here for a while so he can get better. jisungie is just fine now, jia, because he’s been waiting so long to see you- to see both of you.”

jia smiles, swinging her feet. “jia waited to see you too! jaehyunnie told me all about you!” she squirms in felix’s arms, asking to be put down. when he does so, she taps her feet against the floor and shuffles next to jisung, grabbing his hand again. “jaehyunnie said that i would meet you one day when i was older!”

felix, seungmin and hyunjin move away from the bed to allow the kids to speak with their brother properly, hovering protectively in case they accidentally pull on a wire or tube or hurt him in anyway. they watch as they ramble on animatedly, trying to fit as much as they can in one sentence and speaking through their inhales. even at such a young age, they seem to know that they don’t have much time before they’re split up again.

later, when the social worker arrives to collect them, jia almost doesn’t want to let go. she pouts where she stands and doesn’t leave until seungmin coaxes her out of the room with the promise of letting her visit again soon. when he returns with no kids by his side, jisung tries not to let the sadness of their separation consume him.

“jaehyun is just like you,” seungmin mutters, voice low. “as soon as he walked out of the door, he started crying. seems like he’s somehow obtained the bad habit of hiding his feelings until he’s sure no-one’s looking. a damn good actor.” jisung tries to frown but the tube stops him.

_what’s wrong with me?_ he writes slowly, almost as if he’s afraid of getting an answer. he winces when felix’s face falls. “the doctors said you had a minor head injury and a lot of bruising all over your body. your ribcages were fractured and pierced your lungs so you need help breathing for a while. they had to do emergency surgery because you bled out and went into shock from the stab wound. we almost lost you, baby.”

_i’m sorry. _jisung breathes, in and out. he tries to feel the breathing tubes inside of him but his entire body is still numb. his eyes flutter downwards to the foot of his bed, lower half covered by his duvets. _i didn’t mean to keep this from you._

“don’t apologise, baby,” hyunjin whispers, stroking his cheek soothingly. his fingers brush over the bruising on jisung’s face and taps the tapes attaching the breathing tube to his mouth. “it’s not your fault.” he moves the whiteboard so the younger can’t interject. he stares into the chocolate eyes of his boyfriend, seeing the stars in them. “never.”

he presses a kiss to jisung’s cheek, his forehead, his hand- everywhere he can reach. “i love you, i love you, i love you. we love you.” he whispers in jisung’s ear, words of encouragement, of reassurance, of love. he wipes away the tears when he cries and brushes his hair when it falls on his face. he pulls felix and seungmin close, whispers _i love you_ again, and lets himself indulge in the warmth of his boyfriends. “thank you, for staying with us.”

later in the week, when the doctors remove his breathing tube from his mouth and he is finally able to talk, he requests for all of his friends to come visit him. his room is filled with flowers and presents from fans who have found out about his stay in the hospital, letters and cards from classmates and the dance team. at his bedside, there are a few teddy bears that he plans on giving jia when they come visit.

“how are you doing, ji?” minho asks when they enter the room, taking seats around his bed.

jisung scoots over and makes room for seungmin to sit next to him, watching as hyunjin and felix jump into the seats directly next to them. he smiles at hyunjin, who hands him another present from the dance team- a present from bambam sent all the way from thailand. “i’m doing good now, hyung. they took my breathing tube out two days ago and i went on a walk around the hospital this morning.” he grins, happy of his progress. the doctors tell him that he’ll be up and back to normal, and even better, soon.

“that’s great, sungie-hyung!” jeongin exclaims from his place at the foot of his bed. he’d gotten his braces out during jisung’s hospital stay and can’t help himself from smiling whenever he has a chance. it’s cute. “everyone’s been waiting for you to come back.”

jisung’s eyes begin to sparkle, excited. he’s missed talking to his friends in his music composition class, as well as the members of the dance team he’s become close to in the past few months. he’s missed boring classes and late nights in the studio. he’s missed the café too, and he can’t wait to be sitting on his usual stool, listening to obnoxiously loud music. “i can’t wait,” he sighs, leaning back against the bed, “i’m tired of sitting down all day. did you know they only have, like, three channels on the tv? i’ve been watching spongebob all day every day.”

changbin sighs dreamily, leaning into minho’s side. “living the dream.”

“oh, hush,” jisung glares, crossing his arms over his chest. he ignores the laughter that rumbles inside the room, instead doing whatever he can to annoy changbin. “you wouldn’t be saying that if you had to watch spongebob twenty-four-seven. i’m really starting to connect with squidward.”

changbin rolls his eyes, leaning over and rubbing his head affectionately. “don’t you try and turn into squidward now. i need my little ball of sunshine when we’re producing.”

“don’t worry, hyung,” jisung reassures, voice strong and hands moving to rest on his waist, “there can’t be two squidwards anyway.”

changbin blinks once- twice, before he realises the implications of what’s been said. a scowl appears on his face and it takes both chan and minho to hold him back from jumping on the bed. from afar, felix watches as jisung bursts out into laughter and winks cheekily. a smile appears on his face and he laughs alongside the slightly elder boy.

things are starting to look up.

that evening, when everyone apart from his boyfriends have left, jisung decides that he’s ready to lay it all out. he’s ready to tell the truth. they’re sitting around his bed, eyes trained on the tv. they’re watching mary poppins, because it’s the only dvd they have in the room. there aren’t any korean subtitles but they all understand english well so it isn’t much of a problem. hyunjin struggles every once in a while but seungmin is quick to translate.

when the movie is done, hyunjin settles on jisung’s hospital bed, careful of the wires and tubes still attached to him. felix and seungmin settle on the make-shift bed the nurses had brought into the room the week before, when the company had moved him into his private room.

with the lights switched off and hyunjin stroking his head, jisung tells them everything. he tells them about younghyun and his death, the way he woke up to his own brother not breathing and blue in his own bed, the way he remembers the kiss that ghosted his forehead that night. he tells them about the move back to korea, the way they left younghyun in malaysia, the way he wasn’t even sure if they had a funeral because he’d been locked in the room where his brother had died for the remainder of his time there. he tells them about his attic room, watching his brother grow at the dinner table until his sister was born, when he was finally forbidden from seeing them altogether. he tells them about growing up with bruises and cuts permanently decorating his body like acrylic paint to fabric. he tells them about his struggles with depression, the way he met chan and changbin in a support group jae had forced him to go to. he tells them about 3racha and wanting to help those who were in a similar situation, about his university acceptance and about how he finally, finally found love.

and they listen. they listen to his sobs and let him cry _it hurt it hurt it hurt_ until they’re crying with him. they hold him close and wipe his tears away when they burn his skin. they whisper _i love you_’s into his ear and let him sleep in their arms. they let each other cry it out and soothe each other to sleep.

they love and love and _love_, with everything they have to offer.

during the winter break, two months after jisung is released from hospital, chan surprises him with a ticket to malaysia. since younghyun had been buried in their childhood city rather than taken back to seoul, jisung never got a chance to see his brother off one last time. when chan presents him with the ticket, in the hopes that he will take it and visit younghyun like he always wanted to, he breaks down and cries. he cries in changbin’s arms, surrounded by the two elder brothers that aren’t a replacement for the one he lost, but rather a reminder. when jae picks him up later on, he’s a sloppy, shivering mess but he’s happy. for the first time in a while, he’s happy thinking about younghyun.

as it turns out, chan had also gifted felix, hyunjin and seungmin the chance to accompany jisung home. requested by himself and changbin and arranged by the company. jisung couldn’t be more grateful to have such good people in his life- friends, coworkers. when they receive their tickets, they all agree straight away, even seungmin. jisung smiles at that; not only is he making progress, but so are his boyfriends. 

they land in malaysia two weeks before christmas. in true jisung fashion, he almost forgets his suitcase at the airport twice and accidentally leaves his passport in the bathroom. luckily, seungmin had gone with him. hyunjin gets lost three times and has to be called on the intercom like a child and felix accidentally spills coffee down the side of his leg. it’s a good day.

“tell us about him?” seungmin asks softly when they’re settled in their hotel room. it’s still early and the sun is still up but none of them slept the day before so they’re drowsy and exhausted. jisung is too nervous to sleep so they stay up with him and he feels guilty, at first, but realises that they’re doing it because they love him.

“younghyun was my best friend,” he says, closing his eyes and smiling at the hands that he can feel run up his arms and back comfortingly. they’re lying much like they did when they confessed in felix’s childhood bedroom, with hyunjin in the middle and felix and seungmin at his sides. jisung is lying face down on hyunjin’s chest, even if there’s two beds they could be lying on instead of the one. “he liked to play the bass and he wanted to be a basketball player. he was a good dancer too- not as good as hyunjinnie or ‘lixie but he was so damn good that mum would always ask if he could do a little showcase in the living room when we were kids. jaehyun always tells jia that i’m the best big brother, but i have to disagree; they never got to know younghyun.”

“you’re a good brother, jisung.” he giggles at the vibrations that hyunjin’s voice sends across his body. “you held on for your siblings, protected them from afar because you felt that you had to repent for what happened to younghyun. you pushed through and accepted whatever happened to you because of jia and jaehyun- because you wanted them safe. you’re not the perfect brother, no- but you’re damn well close to it.”

jisung doesn’t say anything in return but the smile on his face tells them all they need to know. his eyes flutter closed, for a second, and he whispers a small _i love you_ before his eyes flutter closed and he passes out against hyunjin’s chest. it’s only a few minutes later until both hyunjin and felix do the same, snoring softly.

on the edge of the bed, seungmin stares at the family he’s grown to love strongly and fiercely. he thinks about everything they’ve been through, and everything that’s happened in their lives since they met. he thinks about the fights and the make-ups, the bruises and the kisses. he thinks about their problems and their solutions and the way they persevered through it all.

hyunjin’s parents doesn’t acknowledge his existence, but he still loves with all his might. felix suffers from things they can’t see, but he still makes a point to check up on others whenever he sees them suffer. jisung’s family hurts him in more ways than one and his home is broken beyond compare, but he still smiles and laughs with all the happiness he could ever possess. seungmin overworks himself for the sake of someone who no longer exists, but he still does his best to comfort his best friends, his boyfriends, whenever he can.

seungmin is happy. he breathes in the scent of jisung’s favourite floral perfume, combs his hand through felix’s freshly dyed pink hair, runs the pad of his thumb over hyunjin’s knuckles. sunlight filters into the room through the blinds and seungmin smiles.

it’s warm out.

**Author's Note:**

> arbutus means, "thee only do i love” or, in plain english, i love only you.


End file.
